N.E.O. Moms

The Most Priceless Gift

2012-02-12T12:04:00.001-08:00

February 14^th,Valentine's Day, a day of hearts, cupids, candy, a day of unrealisticexpectations and disappointment. This day reminds me of the joy ofbeing pregnant. All the fantasies you have of giving birth to aballerina, a rock star, a world class athlete or the person who curescancer. When you hold your son or daughter for the first time, soexcited and so proud, never in a million years did you think that youwould ever send them to school on a shorter than average bus.

Often when we arepregnant we are lucky to share that pregnancy with another couple.How exciting to plan future camping trips together, maybe our kidswill end up being married to each other and we will be family. Afriend of mine bought our soon to be born kids matching teddy bearswith their names engraved on the bellies of the bears. I never seethem anymore. We used to go to all their parties, and then kid'sbirthday parties. But I saw the pictures from the recent party onFacebook, and we weren't invited.

When my oldest was a babyhe belonged to a regularly scheduled playgroup. As he grew older andhis ADHD became more obvious. And I had 2 more kids, one with Autism,it got harder to attend this playgroup. But I always responded to theemails, and I was so happy when I could get all of us there even ifmy youngest didn't last long. Suddenly the emails stopped coming. Ichecked my spam folder and saw nothing. I let it go. I saw this groupat a park and they look so ashamed.

Having kids lets you knowwho your real friends are, whether your kids are typically developingor have special needs. Now I only gravitate to friends who support meand the struggles I have with my kids. The friends who share in thechoices I make, and the joys of small successes. I don't bother withpeople who act like my kids are contagious or are just “naughty”.

With the prevalence ofAutism in our society these parents are going to find it harder andharder to shield their children from “different” children. I amsad and disappointed to think that people I considered close friendsare raising their children to be intolerant. And being the parentsof special needs kids we really don't have the time to coddle thosewho don't “get it”. To hold your hand, while you decide whethermy family is worth your time and effort. I know it's important toeducate others but I don't have the time to do that if my son isgetting ready to run out into the street.

Real friends, and lovingfamily take the time to educate themselves, to ask questions, toreserve judgment and just be there. These cherished people offer anattentive ear, an open mind and a big hug. The most priceless giftyou can receive for Valentine's Day, or any other day of the year, isto know that you are loved and supported. Chocolate doesn't hurteither.

Eyes on the Prize

2012-01-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

I realize it's been awhile. I started blogging way back when all three kids still napped and we haven't had a real nap around here since my youngest was 2 years old and now he is almost 5! I promise to add more content to my blog this year. As well as carving more time for working out and not eating like a pig. I have a wedding cruise to attend in May and I don't want to be all matronly looking.

In the meantime I got myself a job. A once a month gig writing for a newsletter for an agency that offers services to kids with Autism. I will not name the agency here just in case anything I have written here pisses anyone off. This is my kind of job too! Once a month effort and I get paid in beer. Below is my first endeavor, it's rated G but enjoy anyways.

"First let me introducemyself. My name is Charlotte Gracer and I am a stay-at-home motherto 3 kids. My oldest son is 7 years old and was diagnosed at the ageof 5 years old with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. My youngestson is 4 years old and was diagnosed with Autism before age 3, andjust recently we added ADHD to make life more fun. I also have a 6year old daughter who is typically developing, and very sassy. I'malso responsible for a 41 year old husband and a 6-toed cat.

I am in no way an experton parenting, in any form, and I am not even being paid to writethis. I am merely sharing my experiences, and if anything I sharemakes you feel less alone, or better about your choices, than my jobhere has purpose.

The experts in thisnewsletter will be educating you about establishing changes inbehavior and the minimum amount of time that takes for a change tostick. An excruciating 6 weeks. If you want to learn, read herarticle, I am just here because misery enjoys company.

As I am writing this weare smack dab in the middle of Regression Time, or Winter Break. Butthis year I was much smarter than last, when I thought the Fall wouldbe an excellent time to start potty-training. Wrong. Just when wewould get the youngest using the potty, it would be time forThanksgiving Break. Loads of laundry later, he would go back toschool, and tons of success. Then Winter Break. Laundry, carpetscleaned, van detailed, then we are back in school and back on track.Well I guess you can see a pattern here. It wasn't until after MLKday, and Spring break where we finally had a nice, solid, chunk oftime for him to get the routine down pat. Including wiping his ownbutt!!

This year I was smartenough to realize that if we can just maintain behaviors, expect someregression, and not launch into any new challenges then we aregolden. The key, for our family, was to maintain as much of a normal,consistent schedule as we possibly could during the holidays. Whichis hard, I know. We let them stay up 30 minutes later, but thebedtime routine was exactly the same. And if they had a late nightthen we would try our hardest to make the next day, or next eveningmellow.

This habit of sticking toour routine has rewarded us with only minimal backsliding inbehavior. My daughter has been whining a bit more, I can tell myoldest is a little anxious because he will ask me continually what weare doing that day, and my youngest has started his screaming again.But just a little screaming, and only twice in public. I will takewhat I can get.

Now it's back to schooltime. Back to established bedtimes, back to homework, back to notputting whipped cream in my coffee every morning. I have made a NewYear's resolution to lose weight. So I am all too aware that I have 6torturous weeks of changing my eating habits to look forward. Wellafter these wonderful holidays it's going to be more like detox. Nomore beer, bacon and cookies. But I have been down this road before,and I know if I can make it through the 6 weeks it takes to change mybehavior, I will re-establish a habit of healthy eating. I need tokeep my eyes on the prize. Just in time for the heart shaped boxes ofchocolate of Valentine's Day to tempt me back into regression. "

KGO-The Loss of a Local Landmark

2011-12-05T16:52:00.000-08:00

On December 1st 2011 the bay area lost a landmark. Every body's favorite news talk radio station completely disemboweled themselves and fired the majority of their popular talk-show hosts. With no warning at all. No warning to their staff and no warning to their loyal listeners. This blog post by a media insider explains it best.

I realize I just lost some readers who cannot understand why I would write about something so silly as a radio station changing their format, but this station was over 30 years old. I am 41 years old, as of today, and I have been listening to this station since I was a child. It has been a constant, just like watching Saturday Night Live or The Simpsons. You tune in and they are there, always. KGO was a landmark of the bay area.

KGO fired all of their talent and now just do news 24/7, with the exception of their 9a-Noon program, which I will discuss later. (grumble, grumble). The bay area is a diverse, even eclectic micro-climate of micro-climates. You can visit the beach and then some snow, in one day, if there is a light dusting on our bay area mountain peaks. You can witness the Tea Party of Contra Costa County and visit a Nuclear Free Zone in Berkeley, all in one day. The former KGO was a perfect example of this diversity. You may not like every host, agree with every host, but they were real people with real opinions and they were all the best of the industry. And now they are gone. The station is now generic news. Generic does not represent anything about the bay area.

But wait, not all of their talk show hosts are gone! We still have Ronn Owens from 9am-Noon. Who is currently on vacation for two weeks so don't bother tuning in to him yet. On the first day of this format he pleaded with his listeners to give the new format a chance and he said he would set aside some time for people to call in and discuss this drastic change. Uhm, 20 minutes of call in time. Over 30 years of content and we get 20 minutes of grieving time. I have always been a huge fan of Ronn Owen's until Friday December 2nd. His "concern" was so insincere, so contrived. When a caller started to bemoan the loss of all those talented hosts Ronn Owens actually said, "You still have me.". He just doesn't get it. KGO is not just Ronn Owens, it was a total package.

Now the package has been ripped to shreds and will soon completely disintegrate. I am not being overly dramatic, in the wake of this horrible business move made by Cumulus quite a few Facebook and twitter accounts have sprung anew lamenting the loss of our local talent. We are peons next to this corporate giant but our pleas are not futile. Some sponsors have already suspended their accounts;
Thank you so much for writing and I guess taking a look at the Gene
Burns/KGO page on our website. We are just as shocked as you and just as
upset. I am the advertising agency for both Just Remnants and Burgermeister.
All advertising on KGO for both clients was suspended at 9:00 am this
morning.

I was one of the first advertisers to recognize the genius of Gene Burns
some 16 years ago.
I am heartbroken after a 37 year relationship with KGO and a 50 + year
relationship with Mickey Luckoff and a 16 year personal relationship with
Gene.

Jerry

And angry loyal fans are pressuring other advertisers to do the same.

KGO will never be the same but if they work hard to hire back their dearly missed hosts, and go back to the format we loved, we may just be able to forgive them.

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #12

2011-11-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

Teriyaki Turkey Burgers are one of my favorite meals. They are yummy served over rice but that bumps up the points a lot. So you can serve them over lettuce.

1 lb. lean ground turkey
1 egg
salt, pepper and garlic powder to taste
8 Tbs. Teriyaki sauce (like Kikkoman's)
1/2 tsp. powdered ginger
can of pineapple rings in juice, with 8 Tbs. juice reserved
electric skillet if you have one
Romaine or green leaf lettuce as much as you want.

Put turkey in bowl, make a well and crack egg into it. Take off your rings and squish it all up. Add salt, pepper, and garlic powder, squish a little more and form 4 patties. Pre-heat skillet to med-high heat. Whisk Teriyaki sauce, ginger and pineapple juice together in bowl.

Brown each burger 1-2 minutes each side in skillet. Reduce heat to low or simmer on electric skillet. Pour at least 2 Tbs. of sauce over each burger, and simmer with lid on for 2 minutes. Flip burgers and pour 2 more Tbs. of sauce (that should finish it off) over each burger and simmer for 2 more minutes with lid on so the sauce doesn't boil off. Check center of burger to make sure it's not pink. Serve over lettuce topped with a pineapple ring.

Turkey burger with egg is 4.5 points, the sauce for each burger is 1.5 points, each pineapple ring is 1/2 a point. Lettuce is zero points. So one turkey burger with pineapple and lettuce is 6.5 points.

Reader's Choice; Regrets.

2011-10-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have had writer's block lately. That thing called life keeps getting in the way. I asked my "fans" on my Facebook page to inspire me and give me some topics. Both Clare and Jen asked if I had any regrets or if I could go back in a time machine what year would I change.

The answer is no. Every decision I have made, or experience that I have had, has made me the person I am today and I don't want to change that. Even the bad stuff, because it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.

I have been mulling about this topic all morning. When this happens my brain turns into a cable news channel. No matter what is happening on the main screen there is a line of words continuously scrolling across the bottom. I am engaged with my present life but there is that scroll of words, which are my thoughts, just moving and changing as I edit out or in what I am going to blog about later.

At first I thought I am going to list every decision or experience I have ever had and blog about why I don't regret it. But as I did a mental review of my life I got bored, sad, and embarrassed. I realized any readers were going to have those same feelings. I can handle you being sad or embarrassed but not bored!

This blog is supposed to be about moms not easily offended by the realities of life so I decided to be real. No fluffy stuff. If you can't handle that right now then you are welcome to bail and go read Moms Who Drink and Swear (my favorite).

I am going to write about experiences and decisions I have made, but only since becoming a mother. So as to keep it brief, and not bore the shit out of everyone. Below will be a list of the topics:

Having kids

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months

Getting a nanny even though I am a stay-at-home-mom

Abortion/Autism/The big V

Buying this house

Anti-depressants

Starting my blog

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out of it

Mike's diagnosis

Re-joining the Mom's Club

Almost losing my colon

Right now

If you are starting to get bored already I will just tell that the question is do I regret any of these and the answer is no. But if you want to know why then read on.

Having kids: For those who have known me pre marriage I used to say that I didn't want to have kids at all. And I meant it. But that's because I never met a man who I thought was capable of being a good father. Then I found Erik. Problem solved, he is a kick ass dad, husband and my best friend.

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon: I don't regret that though it was surprising and a tad inconvenient. I was wearing maternity clothes and still sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts.

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months: I only lasted this long with Mike because he was a bad sucker and I mostly pumped and fed him breast milk from a bottle anyways. And I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bekah if I had continued to breastfeed him. I only lasted 6 months with Bekah because I needed to go on an antibiotic for 2 weeks so I just quit. I lasted 10 months with Jake because he was a good sucker and by then I could nurse and walk around and yell at the other two.

Getting a nanny: LOSER! You are a stay-at-home-mom and you have a nanny how fucking lazy are you?! This is what I used to think about women with nannies. Then when Bekah was 5 weeks old I was nursing her and Mike got mad because Sesame Street ended so he launched himself off the couch, did a flip, landed on his head, held his breath and passed out. I thought he was going to be a paraplegic. I put Bekah on the floor and dialed 9-1-1. Mike was of course fine and showed the super cute firemen his firetruck. I was still in my jammies with milk leaking from my breasts and generally looked like shit. The next day I started the search for a nanny and I never looked back. When you find the right person to care for your kids you realize that there is nothing wrong with another person loving your children.

Abortion/Autism/The big V: Life was perfect! I had a boy, I had a girl, my husband's practice was going great, our house had gone up in value and then blam I got pregnant again! The birth control pill failed me for the first time in my life. I was NOT going to have 3 kids all under the age of 3 years old and all in diapers, oh hell no!!!!! But my husband talked me out of it, he said,"Families who can afford to feed their kids don't have abortions.". And I am glad I listened. He did schedule a vasectomy that day to be done in the future.

Some of you may be thinking that, "Wow she chose to have her son and then he ended up having Autism. I wonder if she regrets that.". No. He's the cutest one. I don't regret, I don't resent. His dimples, big brown eyes and blonde curls are those of an angel. And that's what he is. A mystery, a challenge, an angel. Every day I am a better person because of him. That doesn't mean I don't yell at him like I do to my other two but sometimes when nobody is looking I give him extra candy. He's my baby. He's my heart walking outside of my body that I will never be able to fully protect.

Please watch this video while I go dab my eyes. It never fails to make me laugh.

Buying this house: I miss my old house. It had a giant grassy yard with tons of trees. But it was too small for our growing family. So we put it up for sale, and selling that house and moving into this house, which tanked in value almost did me in. I started to bite my fingernails for the first time in my life. Keeping a house clean enough to sell with 3 kids under the age of 3 was brutal and then moving and unpacking......actually I never finished unpacking and we have been here for 4 years. But we have a bigger house and someday the value will be regained. And our old house was perfect for the family that moved into it.

Anti-depressants: Shortly after we moved into this house I started to wean Jake. I had gotten pregnant so quickly after having Bekah and Mike that I never experienced any post-partum "feelings". I really thought I had escaped it, and I was so happy because that sure didn't look fun. And then I weaned Jake and my body was not nursing and not pregnant for the first time in 3 years. I won't share the gory details, if you have been there yourself you don't want to hear it anyways. I used to think anti-depressants were for weak people. IDIOT!!!! I will never go off of them, ever. If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy.

Starting my blog: I had another blog before this, "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full." Erik suggested I write to help me get stuff off my chest. Marrying him was the best choice I ever made even though he created a monster with the whole blog thing. It was a great idea but it got me in trouble and that blog is private now. Read below.

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out: I promise not to rehash this embarrassing episode of my life. You can read about it here. I don't regret that because I wouldn't have started this blog.

Mike's Diagnosis: March 2 years ago my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism. Not a good month. I went through all the stages of denial etc. etc. and now I look at Mike's diagnosis as a gift and Jake's as a challenge. All my children are gifts I don't deserve.

Re-joining the Mom's Club: Yep after all that drama I asked to return. I still had a young one at home and he needed socialization. I am totally glad I did even if I had to swallow my pride.

Almost losing my colon: The last year and a 1/2 were the worst for my health. I have Ulcerative Colitis and almost lost my colon. Last ditch switch to a new medication and I am totally happy and healthy again.

Right now: I am good! I am healthy, so are my kids. All of them are excelling in school and we are taking Jake to a developmental pediatrician to get a more detailed treatment plan. My husband is moving into a brand new office and even though he is a grouchy ass nervous wreck right now, it's going to be wonderful. I have an awesome support system of friends and family and I am so grateful for everything in my life.

I don't regret anything. Here is a song to express my feelings.

Wait for it.......right after the minute mark and it's worth it.

Stupid Assholes

2011-09-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get really frustrated with your atypical child? Most of the time you are patient, but sometimes you wish for a kid who doesn't think outside of the box. Can't they just be a jock/cheerleader kid and not a blue-spiky-haired kid?

You draw a deep breath and look away only to see another parent look at your child with a disdainful look. WTF? Whoa Nellie! I can be irritated with my child but you need to be grateful to be breathing the same oxygen as my kid!!

And 20 years from now when your kid turns over their paycheck to you for rent money you will see my kids signature on the bottom.

That is all.

Week of Weight Watcher's Menus #2

2011-09-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Monday of this week I had a laproscopy to get rid of some endometriosis. It was outpatient and minor, but I still had to rest and I can't lift anything heavy, like children or a basket full of laundry. The best part of this week was getting rid of the endometriosis and the 2nd best part of this week was getting a meal delivered every night! I have a wonderful and supportive group of friends and they have been feeding my family all week. Everything has been sinfully delicious. But of course no exercise and large portions of comfort food is not good for the waistline.

I won't be ready for the gym by next week but I have to start being strict with my diet, or else I could pass for Santa by the time December rolls around. So below is a re-post of a week of Weight Watchers inspired meals. Wish me luck.

Monday, Monday

Breakfast=1 cup plain instant oatmeal with 3/4 cup blueberries=3 pts. Coffee with FF vanilla creamer=1pt.

Lunch= can of low-fat lentil soup and bag of pre-shredded carrots, simmer until carrots are tender, top with FF sour cream 2 Tbs.=5 pts. 1 small orange=0 pt.

Snack choices= All of these are zero points: 10 baby carrots, 1 side salad with FF Italian dressing, 1 small orange or peach. 1 points each: 1 slice canadian bacon, 5 cups over 90% FF popcorn, 1 slice FF cheese, 1 small whole wheat pita, 2 squares graham crackers, 1/2 cup cooked shrimp,1/2 cup cooked oatmeal,1/2 cup light yogurt,1 4inch pancake made from a mix, 1 medium apple, orange or pear.

Dinner= French Dip Roast Beef Sandwich 7 pts.

Recipe= 1 8oz. loaf French bread, cut in 1/2 horizontally, then vertically into 4 equal slices to make 8 pieces total

12 oz. cooked lean roast beef deli meat thinly sliced

2 cups low fat beef broth

Heat 2 cup Pyrex cup of beef broth in microwave, make 4 sandwiches with 1.5 oz beef each sandwich. Pour 1/4 cup of warm broth into 4 ramekins (little bowls) and dip your sandwich in broth and chow down. Horseradish is 0 points if you want to spread some on your sandwich.

Steam 1.5 cups of carrots and 1/2 cup broccoli florets=1 pt.

1 cup green grapes= 1 pt.

Taco Tuesday

Breakfast=2 toasted low-fat frozen waffles topped with 2 TBs low calorie syrup= 4pts.

Lunch= 2oz lean ham, 1 slice low-fat Swiss cheese on reduced calorie rye bread (2 slices) lettuce, tomato, and mustard=5 pts. 1 medium sliced apple=1pt.

Snack choices= 12 almonds= 2 pts., 1/2 cup FF frozen yogurt 2 pts.

Dinner=Turkey Taco Salad

Recipe: 1 lb. lean ground turkey
15 oz can of black beans
low sodium Taco seasoning packet
lettuce
1 heaping Tbs. FF sour cream, per person
1/4 cup shredded cheese (or less, per person)
small handful crushed tortilla chips, per person
red or green FF salsa to taste

Follow instructions on back of Taco seasoning packet. Before simmering add 1 can drained black beans. Pile as much lettuce as you want on your plate load up a 1/2 cup of turkey mixture onto plate,add salsa to taste, crush the chips, sprinkle the cheese and top with sour cream. 9.5 points per person

Corona Lite with lime= 2 points

Husband Home Late Wednesday

Breakfast= 3/4 cup Honey Nut Cheerios and 1/2 cup skim milk with small sliced banana= 4 pts.

Lunch=Leftover Turkey Taco Salad

Snack = 0 pts. veggie soup with one slice 2% milk swiss cheese melted on top=2pts

Dinner= Any frozen WW entree, or Eating Right, or Lean Cuisine (most of them have WW points listed right on the box) 7 pts. Very large glass of wine = 3 pts.

Thirsty Thursday

Breakfast= Pina Colada Smoothie (from WW website)
I broke my blender but this smoothie sounds worth buying another. Do not add rum until kids are in school.

16 oz canned pineapple, packed in juice, chunks, undrained
6 oz frozen orange juice concentrate
1/2 cup(s) light coconut milk

1 cup(s) ice cube(s)
Instructions
Combine ingredients in a blender and purée until smooth, adding more ice cubes if necessary to create a thick purée. Pour into 4 tall glasses and serve. Yields about 1 cup per serving. 3 pts. per serving.

Lunch=0 points veggie soup with melted 2% milk swiss cheese, large salad with 4 slices of 97% FF smoked deli ham chopped and 2 Tbs. light Ranch dressing=5 pts.

Snack=1 oz bag of Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar flavor= 3pts.

Dinner= Trader Joe's Mandarin Orange Chicken= 5 pts. per 1 cup serving

Hot and Sour Soup (off of WW website)
POINTS® Value: 1Servings: 6Preparation Time: 15 minCooking Time: 10 minLevel of Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients

4 cup(s) fat-free chicken broth
2 Tbsp rice vinegar
2 tsp Asian hot sauce, or chili paste, or to taste (or Tabasco and Asian fish sauce mixed together)

2 cup(s) shiitake mushroom(s), sliced (or pre-sliced white mushrooms)

1/3 cup(s) bamboo shoots, sliced (optional)

9 oz firm tofu, about 1 cup, diced
1 Tbsp cornstarch, mixed with 2 tbsp water
1 Tbsp soy sauce

2 green onions , sliced
Instructions
In a soup pot, stir together broth, vinegar, hot sauce, soy sauce, mushrooms, bamboo shoots and tofu. Bring to a simmer and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in cornstarch and simmer 2 minutes more. Serve, sprinkling each bowl with sliced scallions. Yields about 1 cup per serving. 1 pt. per serving.

Drive-Thru Friday*

I do not condone hitting the drive-thru 3 times in one day, but just in case you are having one of those days I have listed the most common foods to help you make reasonable choices. Or not. With WW you do have that extra 35 points a week option, which leaves a window open for mistakes/parties/PMS.

Breakfast= McDonald's= Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait w/low-fat yogurt without granola= 3pts.
Egg McMuffin=6 pts.
Sausage McMuffin= 9 pts.
Bacon,Egg and cheese biscuit= 11 pts.

Starbucks= all brewed coffee, any size= 0 points
Grande Non-fat Mocha without whip= 5 pts. my fave until I found out the points
Grande Cappucino w/non-fat milk=2 pts.
Grande Latte w/non-fat milk=3 pts.

Lunch= Burger Kind= Orig. Whopper w/mayo=9 pts.
Orig. Whopper w/out mayo= 7 pts.
Orig. Whopper w/cheese but w/out mayo= 15 pts.
Med. fries=8 pts.
Tendergrill Chicken Sandwich w/honey mustard or bbq sauce= 9 pts.

Taco Bell= Fresco Burrito Supreme chicken or beef= 7 pts.
beef burrito supreme= 10 pts.
Chalupa Baja beef= 10 pts.
Cheese Quesadilla=12 pts.

Snack choice= Heaven is paved with McDonald's french fries. When I was pregnant with Michael I hit the drive-thru so often the guy began to recognize me so I changed McDonald's.
Small fries= 5 pts.
Medium fries= 8 pts.
Large fries = 12 pts.

Dinner= In-N-Out Burger= Hamburger with onion=9 pts.
Cheeseburger with onion= 11 pts.
Double-Double with onion= 16 pts.
Fries= 9 pts.
All flavors of shakes= 17 pts.

Scrounging Saturday

Breakfast=choices from week above.

Lunch= finish off all of those leftovers.

Snack choices= check the week above.

Dinner= Same as lunch.

Comfort Food Sunday

Breakfast=scrambled egg, 1 slice Canadian style bacon, 1 cup grapes= 4 pts.

Lunch= WW Mac and Cheese= 5 pts.

Snack choices= 8 celery stalks with 1/2 cup of salsa has 90 calories, 1 gram of fat and 7 grams of fiber for a POINTS value of 1., 15 baked lays= 2 pts.

Dinner=Meatloaf Muffins Servings…12 servings(From WW website)

1 lb. ground turkey or ground beef
1 package Stove Top Stuffing
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 cup green bell pepper chopped fine
1 tsp. garlic powder
2 egg whites or ¼ c. egg beaters
1 c. hot water
1 pkg onion soup mix
1/4 cup of ketchup

Mix stove top and water in a large bowl, stir with fork until moistened. In another bowl, combine all remaining ingredients. Add stuffing to mixture. Fill sprayed muffin tins almost to the top with mixture. Bake at 350 for 30-35 minutes. 2.5 points per muffin.

Parmesan Mashed Potatoes

Ingredients

10 medium potato(es), red (about 2 1/2 lbs)
1/2 cup(s) buttermilk, warmed (if you don't have buttermilk just add a tsp. of lemon juice)
3 Tbsp Parmesan cheese, strong-flavored, grated

1/4 cup(s) chives, chopped
1 tsp table salt
1/8 tsp black pepper, freshly ground, or to taste

Instructions
Place potatoes in a large pot and cover with an inch of water; bring to a boil, reduce heat, simmer and cook until fork-tender, about 30 minutes. Drain and return potatoes to pot.
Mash potatoes with a potato masher. Stir in remaining ingredients and mix well to combine. Yields about 2/3 cup per serving. 2 pts. per serving 8 servings

What It's Like

2011-08-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Below is a picture of my 3 monkeys. My four year old on the far right is named Jacob and he has Autism. He's beautiful.

I get a lot of emails and Facebook postings in regards to Autism in an attempt to educate myself about my son's condition. I don't read all of them and I rarely watch a video. Today I did, and I am so glad. It's hard to explain how it feels to have a child with Autism and not everyone has the same experience. I find it hard to put my feelings about my son into words. I don't want to get emotional or sound flippant, I don't want pity and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable. Questions are welcome, parenting advice is not.

The video I watched today.......nailed it. At least for me. This father, without using spoken words, said exactly what I feel. And when he held up the notecard that says, "They came to our house.", my tears started flowing. Ugh, I hate crying sooo much! But that day those people came to my house to assess Jacob was, excuse my language, absolutely shitty!

In fact the experience inspired me to write a poem, not something you will usually get from me unless it's more like a dirty limerick. I copied my poem below this video. Will you watch it for me? Will you read my poem? I appreciate you.

A deep, searing breath

a retching cough

rub my eyes

tuck a curl behind my ear

wipe the hot tears off my cheeks

3 faces swimming in my living room

telling me my youngest needs further assesment forAutism

I scoop up my son

I offer them coffee and fudge

he sings Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star into my ear

I squeeze him and rock him

I glance at the clock

one face asks me if I need to leave to pick up my other kids

I say no we have 30 minutes

He laughs, looks at his colleagues and says, "We rocked this.".

Another face grimaces and asks me if I have questions.

Yes.

Can you be wrong?

Can somebody else with more letters behind their surname

deliver better news?

And once my child suceeds beyond all expectations

can his records be sealed so nobody can ever label him?

I need to go to bed,

I need to drive,

I need to drink,

I need to go to the beach and feel the sand beneath my toes,

I need the sound of the surf in my ears,

I need the cold wind to bring fresh tears to my eyes.

I need to yell,

I need to kick,

I need to hit,

And I can't.

I am a mother

and I have to maintain.

I have to smile.

I have to love.

Jump through hoops.

I need help.

Vote for me, me, me!! Please.

2011-08-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

http://sanfrancisco.blogger.cbslocal.com/most-valuable-blogger/vote/lifestyle/

If ever I have made you laugh, cry in a good way, made you spit some liquid out, say, "No shit.", "Amen Sister." No way fuck that!" outloud, made you mad, offended you, or just made you smirk appreciatively please go vote for me.

Push the big button or the small link above to take you to the very easy voting page.
Gracias
Grassy Ass
Thanks,
N.E.O. Mom

Farrah, My Hair Icon, R.I.P.

2011-08-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's been 2 years since she died?! This is something I wrote on my old blog "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full".

With all the events going on in the world right now writing about the passing of Farrah Fawcett may seem shallow. But I loved her! I was born in 1970 and any girl born of that era wanted Farrah Fawcett hair. So feathery and full. See photo of me below for why this was an unattainable dream.

It was so unfair. My mom has a perm in this picture, her hair is straight, couldn't I have straight hair? Just so that I could curl it with a curling iron like all my girlfriends. Kellie, Linda, my cousin Crissy's hair was to die for. Look at my brothers! Blonde and blue-eyed! A complete injustice!!

I loved you so much Farrah! You were on Charlie's Angels for only one season and that is the only season I ever watched.

I tried to straighten my hair with perms, a blow dryer, and once horrible chemicals that made my hair fall out in chunks. But I still held on desperately to the straight pieces of hair that didn't fall out, and combed them over the bald spots. I did this against everyone's advice until a mean 8th grade boy asked me if I had been in a fire. I finally got a haircut.

At least in my high school years the spiral perm started to take off and I was such an angry teen that I started to care less about looking like everyone else.

But I was never angry at Farrah.

I finally waved the white flag of surrender, and my hair called a truce.

And now that I am older there are actually hair products for my hair. So we are good.

Farrah 62 years is too young to die. And to suffer from such an "unglamorous" cancer. I am so sorry, you deserved to die painlessly. But you were still so beautiful. Now I can only wish to be as gorgeous as you when I am 62. Rest In Peace, now you really are an angel.

My Son Will Never Be a Mountain Climber

2011-07-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well we attempted a weekend vacation in beautiful Truckee, CA but my oldest puked his guts out.

It started Saturday morning when he got up at 5am, ugh. He usually gets up at 7a, and an inability to sleep is a symptom of altitude sickness. But I didn't know that, I just thought he was being a pain in the ass.

Then Auntie M. bought them a big box of Captain Crunch which my kids have never eaten and Mike could barely gag it down! That caused me a little concern because he loves sugar.

The clincher was right before we were to leave for a day at Lake Tahoe he puked. So everyone left and I stayed with Mike who was crying and begging to go to the beach. I told him if he could keep some applesauce down we would go to the beach. He ate some applesauce and I set the timer and watched him. He said he was great so we headed for the beach.

25 minutes into our drive we passed the sign stating that we just passed 7,000 ft. elevation. I looked in my rearview mirror and Mike was green. "Buddy do you need to throw up?" , "Yes mommy.". Oh shit I am on a two-lane semi-rural highway looking for a place to pull over. I found it too late! Poor Mike spewed applesauce all over the inside of our van. He got each row and the side of van as well once he made it out. And all over himself. All I had to clean him up was a few flimsy wipes and some socks. Gross!!

We turned around and went back to the cabin. Where he bathed and I scrubbed the van. Thankfully Bekah and Jake went ahead to the beach with Auntie M. so while Mike watched t.v. and barfed again all over the master bathroom, I packed up. I had no desire to do this all weekend.

Great Uncle Les was traveling with us and is a doctor so he called in some anti-nausea pills for Mike. And they brought those back with them to the cabin. Mike immediately swallowed one and then all 3 kids started to cry about having to leave. Heartbreaking.

Auntie M. volunteered to keep Bekah for the weekend and I loaded up my tearful boys. Mike was able to eat some mini-pretzels on the way home and kept them down. I made it home from Truckee in 2.5 hours, I flew! Now Sunday he is eating everything in sight and bouncing off the walls. Since nobody else is vomiting it's obvious that it was indeed altitude sickness and not a stomach bug or food poisoning. And the link below supports my uneducated diagnosis.

Beach vacations only from here on out!!!!

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001190/

Pacifier Vs. Dirty Sock

2011-07-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Before you have kids most people know that you are going to be dealing with a lot of poop. Then you become a parent and realize you had no idea just exactly how many different bodily fluids you have to deal with on a daily basis. Then you become a seasoned parent and build up an immunity to grossness. Nothing seems to make you squeamish anymore. Yesterday I found something that made me very squeamish.

We went to the usual weekend little kid's birthday gathering with mandatory jumpy house in the backyard. Jake's shoes were off due to the jumpy house and he managed to make a few runs of the backyard in his socks so they got very dirty. He was very tired after the party and on his way home instead of popping a binkie (pacifier) into his mouth he peeled off one of his filthy socks and stuck it in his mouth! Retch!

Jake is 3 rows back in the mini-van so I couldn't reach him to tear the offending sock out of his mouth and I was driving so I couldn't climb back there. Erik can't turn around in a moving vehicle because he gets car sick. I was forced to look at the below image everytime I looked in my rearview mirror. Gag!

As soon as I got home I snuck that hideous thing out of his mouth. And took a picture of it. The toes of the sock were in his mouth and he was actually sucking on it like a pacifier. This nice family owns a large dog so you can just imagine the things that sock picked up. Heave!

I guess it's nice to know that I have not become as jaded as I thought I had. Maybe having a 4th child will finally make me immune to all things disgusting. Hurl!

I Should Be Cleaning The Kitchen

2011-07-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

The pic above are my 3 monkeys right before my oldest turned 7 years old. Every spring their birthdays line up. The first year this happened, 1,2,3 years old, I took a picture of them holding up their ages and now I am committed to doing that every spring as long as they will let me.

We hit a recent milestone. With his goofy 3 missing teeth smile my oldest refused to kiss me good-bye in public this morning. I didn't cry but when I pick him up from camp this afternoon I am going to grab him and give him a big smooch. Payback for all the times he has farted, burped and yelled inappropriate words in public.

My youngest son just stuck a handful of coins in the oven. I don't know why he does that. Thankfully he only does it when the oven is off.

My daughter brought a Christmas stocking full of doll clothes to school this morning. We are Jewish and it's July. I like to choose my battles wisely. Otherwise known as too tired to fight about it.

My husband and I like to add our own dialogue to The Bacherlorette reality show. It's R-rated and funny as hell. To the two of us.

OK I feel better. The garbage disposal is dead after much abuse, so I guess I gotta take care of that. And clean the damn kitchen. The floor is sticky like a movie theater.

The 10 Rules For Being a N.E.O. Mom

2011-07-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

1. NEO Moms promote a positive body image to their children.

2. NEO Moms get along with their parenting partner most of the time.

3. NEO Moms support a person's right to choose.

4. NEO Moms are patriotic.

5. NEO Moms like to party, laugh and just generally have a good time.

6. NEO Moms support, protect, and nurture their children.

7. NEO Moms expect their children to behave most of the time, especially in public.

8. NEO Moms take care of themselves.

9. NEO Moms have common sense priorities.

10. NEO Moms don't always follow the rules.

Ok so now I need to add some explanation to these rules.

1. Don't worry I don't expect you to feed your kids tofu and sprouts and make them do Yoga. What I mean by promoting a positive body image is don't be anorexic or obese. That's all. And I feel that I can speak with some authority on this issue because I have been both a size 16 and now I am somewhere between a 4 and a 6. But we all know women's clothing sizes are a scam so in reality I probably used to be a size 20 and now I am a size 8.

So what I am saying is that you just have to be as healthy as you can be for your kid's sake. Because if I didn't have kids I would be eating whatever I wanted and swilling alcohol and who knows what else. But now that I have 3 dependents I have to eat stuff like salad and get all gross and sweaty exercising. It's very important that I watch all 3 of them graduate college and of course my daughter will need me to take over all of her wedding planning.

2. I chose the term parenting partner because not all of us have a legal spouse. You may have a boyfriend or a lesbian lover or be single. I really don't care but my point was that you need to get along with them most of the time especially in front of your children. Domestic abuse is not cool.

3. Choice is important to me and to pretty much any mother who doesn't get offended easily. And I have a wide definition for rule #3. So I may lose some women with this, but I am including a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy as a valid and respected choice.

I won't stop there though, a NEO Mom also respects a woman's right to breast-feed or not, to work or stay-at-home with the kids, to pierce their daughter's earrings or to circumcise their sons. It's really none of your damn business what other moms do if it is not hurting their child or your's. And real moms know this. A not easily offended mother knows that with every decision a mother makes, there are wakeful nights, and long discussions, and reading through baby books. It's never easy.

4. Ok so some of my friends are like WTF?! Yes that's right I am unapologetically patriotic and I think this is a very good rule. I get goose bumps and teary-eyed every time I hear the National Anthem. I love this country and it's people and it's founding prinicples. A lot of people think America sucks right now but it's our govt. that sucks not our people. So does patriotic mean you have to fly the flag in front of your house to be a NEO Mom? No, look at rule #3. Does this mean you can't burn the flag if you get pissed off? No, look at rule #3. Actually I think to deny somebody the right to burn the flag is very Un-American. But if you burn my flag I think you are an asshole. Of course I will fight for your right to be an asshole because that is the American Way.

5. So don't worry that you can't be a NEO Mom if you are in recovery. If I said you had to drink booze to be a cool mom then I would be like that jock in high school trying to get into your panties. No you don't have to drink, or whatever, but you do need to like at least cake or ice cream or chocolate and ,you realize life is way too short to not be able to laugh at least once a day.

6. This is kind of a no-brainer isn't it? Does this mean you can never yell at your kids or make mistakes? Shit I hope not! You just have to take a deep breath once in awhile and realize that you are all they have. You are mommy, the all powerful, and it is your job to protect, defend and nurture their little souls.

7. An adult woman is not afraid of a child. Even if that child is a criminally insane 3 year old. A competent mother expects their child to behave especially in public. But a NEO Mom expects only age appropriate behavior from their children. What I mean is that you can't take a 2 year old to a fancy restaurant and expect them to maintain, it's just not fair to all involved. Now if you are at a family pizza parlor, they are most likely going to be loud and squirmy but they still have to sit and eat some of their food and not throw most of it on the floor. I think that is reasonable.

I was at such an establishment recently and my 20 month old was boisterous and it was fine with me, he was eating his food and sitting for along time. This place has an arcade and a bar and is very loud and this one old man was actually giving my son dirty looks! Are you insane? This was not the place you take a date! So he was not a NEO Mom, he had no clue as to what a child's limits are. My 4 year old on the other hand was forced to sit and eat before he could play any arcade games, and he was ready to go out of his mind until I gave him the stink eye and that was it.

8. Sleep deprivation, stress, hormones, hunger. Those are 4 letter words when you are a mom. I know it's not always possible to take a nap but you have to eat, you have to breathe or you will lose it. I love those magazines that tell you to get a sitter and go get a massage.............well duh if we could we would right? How about locking yourself in the bathroom with a book and a glass of wine/beer? If you have toddlers like I do you know they are not going to get hurt because they will be on the other side of the door trying to get in. I just sit on the toilet and stare at their fingers as they slip them under the door and cry mommy. But for the safety of all I need a few minutes before I can open that door again.

9. This is another no-brainer. If you want a new pair of shoes and your kid is hungry..........the shoes can wait. Here is another analogy, what is more important dirty dishes or getting a 30 minute nap while you can? The nap wins everytime. You don't want to be yelling at your kids all of the time and seriously you will have tons of time to do dishes when they are in college. I live in a part of the country that has ants. This is what I do if I need sleep and I have dirty dishes. Pile them in the sink and then take dish soap and squirt it all the way around your sink, the ants will get lodged in the soap and die while you nap and then you can just wipe them up. Don't act all stuck-up and think I am gross, you know you are going to do it.

10. It's true, rules are for shitheads. These are more like guidelines or something amusing to read during the kids' naps.

A Vow Deconstructed

2011-06-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish;
from this day forward,
until death do us part.

On our wedding day, as we stand in our finest before our friends and family we repeat these vows and largely take them for granted.

Well of course I will bring you a blankie and the remote while you are laid up on the couch, I can make chicken noodle soup and rub your feet and I can run to the pharmacy. If I must, I can clean up after you and I can definitely pick up the phone and call your mom to come save your ass.

It's really when you have a few years of marriage under your belt and something arises that let's you really know what those vows mean. Maybe your husband falls off a bike and breaks a leg. All of a sudden your independent man needs your help and sometimes he's cranky about it. Or in my case I started a new medication this evening that is supposed to help with my ulcerative colitis.

I read all the instructions and I even used the practice "pen" they gave me but lucky for me my husband is a family practice doctor and I asked him to do it for me. I laid on my back on the couch and he swabbed me with alcohol and gave me 4 different injections in my stomach. It hurt but I just pretended I was getting a tattoo.

We cleaned up and I changed into some sweat pants since my tummy was sore and I asked him to please do bedtime and I would make him dinner. After the kids were in bed I thanked him for giving me those injections and not being grossed out. He said it was his pleasure and that he just wants me to feel better.

To love and to cherish, he makes that very easy to do.

Nigger

2011-04-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

I can't even remember what made me think of this tonight. My history of this word. But once I started thinking about it, I couldn't shake it. Now I have to confess my relationship.

I grew up in California, Northern California, in the burbs. This word was not OK. But I still heard it. Unfortunately from family members. I had drilled into those certain family members for years that that language was unacceptable. Deaf ears.

Then I moved to Houston, Tx. I heard the word Nigger at least once a week. And I would go nuts everytime. And the Texan would laugh at me and say, "Oh, I am not racist, when I use the word Nigger, I am talking about white Niggers and brown Niggers and yellow Niggers. The word Nigger just means you are scum, it has nothing to do with the color of your skin.". It's just a word.

Really so if I called your mom a cunt it would be OK because that's just a word? That question was not well received, especially amongst Texas men. And the whole 18 months that I lived in that shithole nobody ever used the word Nigger unless they were talking about a very, very, dark-skinned person. And the discrepancy in "class" in Texas was as obvious as the discrepancy in "class" as we try to avoid watching the royal wedding this week.

I escaped Texas more determined than ever to never hear that word again from any family or friend. I met my husband and except for a few times when I had to explain what a porch monkey was and a non-aquatic, for the most part I got my family to clean up their act. They knew that I was converting to Judaism and marrying a Jewish man and into a very liberal Jewish family.

My Dad, I love him, and I am proud of him but he used to watch basketball and yell, "Run, Nigger, Run!." But when it came time for me to marry a Jewish man my Dad was my biggest fan. He wrote me a beautiful letter about who a man prays to means nothing if he doesn't take care of his family, friends and responsibilites. And that my husband was a "peach", just that kind of man who knew his priorities. My wedding was perfect, my pregnancies were without strife and my Dad was present at each birth.

It was a couple of years later that the damn N word showed up again. I was hosting roughly 30 people at my house, and happily, this is the shit I live for. I am standing in front of my sink chopping up a veggie, or turkey gizzard who knows. It's pouring rain outside and my Dad comes out of nowhere with, "It's raining pitchforks and nigger babies outside.". I slammed my knife down and a couple of people looked and asked what, my answer of , "Nevermind!!", made them scatter and then it was just me and my Dad. My Dad knew he had blown it. He grabbed a soda can and chugged it as I stared him down still fisting that knife, my eyeballs left their sockets and just slapped him up one side of his head and down the other leaving trails of slime and shame. He looked at me and said, "I think I just swallowed the tab from that soda can.". And I said, "Good, I hope it comes out of your ass sideways. Because I am telling you right now that you will never use that word again in my presence. My kids are to be informed that only the uneducated, ignorant and hateful talk like that. So if you want that love and respect from your grandkids, I would clean up your language. ".

I haven't heard the N word in 2 years.

Passover For Those Afraid to Ask

2011-04-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Before I got married I converted to Judaism. My friends and family were supportive of my decision but I could tell they felt awkward when it came to asking questions.
The questions I would get were:"So do you go to church every Friday night?"
"How long is Hanukkah, 12 days?"
"What is the holiday where you eat that gross fish in a jar?"

When I was going through my conversion process I found that reading Jewish children's websites was the most helpful way to get the basics of everything Judaism. When I had more complex questions, and wanted to delve into deeper issues, I would read the Jewish adult websites.

Tonight at sundown Jewish people across America will be sitting down to a Seder for the holiday of Passover. It's a long dinner but it's not boring. Think Catholic wedding except with food and more wine. Lots of ritual and joyous. This is the bible story that covers the burning bush, parting of the red sea and the freedom of slaves. Good stuff.

. . And yes, gross fish in a jar. It's called Gefilte Fish and this will offend some people, but I totally agree that it is gross! But there are other Passover delicacies that make up for the gross fish in a jar:

Matzo Ball Soup

and

Flourless Chocolate Torte.

So now you know just enough about Passover to get you through the week if you are not Jewish. And here is another tidbit you can impress your friends with, Sammy Davis Jr. also converted to Judaism. I am not going to pretend I am as cool as Sammy Davis Jr. but it is nice to be in such groovy company. And speaking of groovy you have to watch this video below. It's appropriate for Passover because A) Sammy is Jewish and B) Aretha briefly sings her song "Think" which has those great lyrics about freedom.

Not Abusing Your Kids is Good

2011-04-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was super fabulous! A weekend alone with a few of my peers and lots of beers. I came home ready to be a super mom and spouse. Emotionally engaged with all 3 of my kids, and darling husband, planning plenty of activities, loads of patience, no yelling, and no excessive t.v. watching.

My plans were foiled by my sick boys. We can't leave the house. Fevers, and a cough that leaves them gasping for breath. I thought Mike was feeling better yesterday and had my sitter, Sarah, take them to the park. But then Mike came home and went to bed at 6:30pm! And slept straight through the night for 13 hours! This is unheard of behavior from my active guy. And he is even taking a nap, willingly, at 12:30pm in the afternoon!! Me and Bekah are bored silly and she is driving me nuts.

I completely lost my patience with her this morning. And then was stricken with guilt. Bekah is 3 and therefore in the throes of the Criminally Insane Threes which make the Terrible Twos look like a walk in the park. She loves to tease and torture me and her brothers. She loves to ask me all day long for things we either don't have or she knows she can't have. Today she has asked for french fries, oranges, and chips. We don't have french fries at all, we do have plums, strawberries, apples, nectarines, watermelon, grapes, bananas and cantaloupe. I gave her some Sun Chips and she threw them on the ground said, "These aren't potato chips.". She got a time-out for that rudeness and we temporarily extinguished that behavior.

So then she moves onto torturing Jake. Who is just generally fussy and cranky and it's just a lot more pleasant around here if we can keep Jake happy. I blew up a beach ball for him to play with and he was thrilled. He runs around the corner and Bekah steals it from him and he starts to shriek. Everyone covers their ears and wine glasses start breaking. And Bekah is laughing. That was the final straw. I told Bekah she is going on another time out and she said, "No!". I really hate it when my kids tell me no. So I walk up to her to escort her to the time-out room. She starts running all over the house and I tell her if she continues to run her time-out gets longer and longer. So finally I have to chase her and once I get her, all my patience has completely dissappeared.

I squeezed her arm way too hard, I yelled way too loud and then said, "You better pull your shit together or this is going to be a long ass day!!!". And then I slammed the door. And I immediately felt like an asshole.

Ugh, she is only 3 years old and I am yelling and swearing at her, this is not the best summer in the universe that I had envisioned.

I put her on a 5 minute time-out so I could pull my shit together. We then hugged and kissed and I apologized. I then told her what I expected from her for the rest of the day:

-No asking for things we don't have in the house. We have fruit in a fruit bowl on the kitchen table and that is for snacks.
-No teasing her brothers by taking their toys or sticking her hands and feet in their faces.
-I also told her she couldn't have any snack or her chewable vitamin until she gets dressed.

We then danced to a kid's c.d. that doesn't make me crazy. And completed our Father's Day Craft. Those are the pictures listed below. I made cloth books and put velcro on the pages so that my kids could take felt shapes of their father's favorite activities and stick them on the pages.

We played with some Legos, Hotwheels, the water table outside and then ate lunch. Now Jake and maybe Mike are both napping. Bekah is doing quiet time in our rec room watching Dora and eating grapes. And as I sat down to do some blogging I realized my mistake. I made a great plan for summer that involved us LEAVING the house. I had forgotten to make up plans for days where for whatever reason we are stuck inside. I should have known better because last summer there were so many wildfires we were stuck inside for a few days at a time, so I need to plan for that.

So the rest of this post is going to be links for indoor activities for kids and ways for moms to not lose their shit (minds). Print this and put it on the fridge, I am.

-My first link is to the Child Abuse Prevention Council. Don't think you are above that, it can happen. The site is full of resources but the page I sent you to reccommends to just Take A Minute. This morning I took 5 minutes locked in the bathroom taking deep breaths.

-Next is not a link but an email that my friend Danica sent to my N.E.O. Mom's Club. She needed to peel her son away from the t.v. and came across this list of activities. I quickly went scrambling for it this afternoon to share with all of you:

1. Button Sorting ? Buy a bag of buttons at your local craft store andhave your child sort them however s/he wants to, by color, size,number of threading holes, etc. An older child can count the sorted piles. I use little plastic cups from the party store that I think are for condiments or something. But they are shallow and non breakable.

2. Placemat per Night ? Buy a stack of blank paper placemats from theparty supply store. Have your preschooler color a new placemat to eat off of for the evening. S/he can make a new one each night as make on for other family members. Great during dinner prep.

3. Wash Day ? This sounds silly, but kids adore it. Fill a large bucket with some mild soap, like Ivory. Allow your child to wash washcloths or dish towels. Provide another bucket (or rinse the firstout) to rinse, and then hang them with clothes pins and a string inthe bathroom. This helps the child learn that clothes get clean via aprocess, not just "magic" Or have them wash their play dishes, tea party set etc.

.4. Shaving Cream Cars ? Put a mild, unscented shaving cream on a cookie sheet with a lip (sometimes called a brownie sheet or jelly-roll pan). Allow your child to drive cars and trains through the"snow". Those learning to write letters can attempt their letters with an index finger and erase to try again easily.

5. Painting the driveway or deck ? On a sunny day, give your child a container of water and a real painter's brush (wide with a thick handle) and allow h/her to paint away. The sun evaporates the water quickly, and the kids love to see the cause and effect of painting.

6. Big Paper Bag Hats ? Using a large, shopping-sized paper bag, cut alarge shape and staple it closed except for the bottom portion. Invite
your child to decorate however h/she wants, then the child can try iton and you can adjust with staples accordingly.

7. Aromatherapy Play-Dough -- Homemade play-dough is easy to make andwhen you add a couple of tsps. Lavender oil (or eucalyptus if the child has a stuffy nose), children get the benefits of calming scents while they knead and create. A very "downtime" activity. Play Dough Recipe 1 cup flour
cup salt
1 cup water
1 tablespoon oil (of your choosing)
1/8 cup cream of tartar
Mix all ingredients in a sauce pan. Cook and stir over low/medium heat until play dough is completely formed and no longer sticky. Allow to cool slightly before storing in an air tight container or zip lock bag

8. Matching Pasta ? sorting and matching are pre-math activities. Glue a different type of pasta (shape, color, whatever) to the bottomof a plastic cup ? clear works well; then provide the child a bag or cup full of a mixture of all kinds of the pastas to sort. Counting can be added when the child is ready.

9. Cutting Lines ? Preschoolers and scissors = hours of entertainment.To teach fine motor skills, draw lines (all kinds ? dotted, swirly,straight) lengthwise on a piece of plain paper. Ask your child tofollow the line you've drawn with scissors. You can even put a sticker at the end as a goal target. Start easy, build gradually.

10. Collage Mania ? This also makes a great homemade gift for afriend. Get a small tackle box and fill each compartment with adifferent glue-able item (pom-poms, rickrack, magazine cut outs,pieces, feathers, beans, buttons, pasta, etc.) add a glue bottle or stick and you have the makings of a collage activity at a moment's notice. You can even bring this to a restaurant to ease theboredom/restlessnes s factor there.

11. Lacing ? Lacing cards are easily made. Take some cardboard and cuta shape or animal that your child likes or needs to learn. Punch holesaround the perimeter (less for younger children, more for older), thentie a shoestring to one end and show the child how to lace. Great forsmall motor skills, great for a restaurant.

12. Tweezers ? Give your child a set of blunt tweezers. Fill a smallbowl with items like a tissue, a cotton ball, feathers, pipe cleaners? get creative. Invite your child move the items from one bowl toanother bowl using only the tweezers. Super small motor strengtheningactivity.

13. Musical Drawing ? Invite your child to draw to match the mood ofmusic that you put on ? marching music, classical, rock ? whatever. This can be done with watercolors too.

14. Choose the Mood ? Draw a plain head with no facial features. Makemany copies. Allow your child to draw the face with different moods:happy, sad, disappointed, hurt, etc.; another good restaurantactivity. For kids who have a hard time articulating their feelings,this can be a tool to let them show how they feel.

15. Animal Doctor ? The word veterinarian is a hard one for preschoolers. But Animals doctor works just fine. Provide a small Tupperware container of bandages and other first aid items obtainedfrom the drugstore (or even the dollar store). If your child needs something to do or you need a moment to breath, bring out the box and say something along the lines of "I think I just heard Brown Bear cry,I hope he's okay. Will you check?" This is good for teaching empathyas well as just plain fun, my kids always love trying on the role of sole caregiver

.16. Easy tambourine ? this is an oldie but a goody. Have your childcolor or paint on the underside of 2 paper plates. Staple the sidestogether leaving a small opening. Using a funnel, allow your child topour about ? cup of beans or rice into the pocket, then staple thehole up. Instant fun ? add some music and your child will be loving life.

17. Ladle Fishing ? Using a large bin or wash basin (dollar store isgreat for these) ? drop toys or household items into the bin andinvite your child to "fish" for specific items. Can you get the yellow block? Oops, looks like you got the blue alligator, try again!Helps to teach shapes and colors without the child even knowing it!

18. Tupperware Galore ? Tupperware is of endless fun to this group. Keep you family's supply in a low cabinet that the child can easily access. Ask for your child's help in finding a matching lid to a specific container ? even if you don't really need it. This not only teaches matching and provides tactile stimulation, but lets the childf eel the pride of being helpful.

19. Pace It Out ? How many steps is it from your bedroom to the stairs? How about from the kitchen to the laundry area? How about when I pace it or Daddy does? This is a good one for line-waiting boredom.I wonder how many steps it is over to that water fountain. One of mykids even made a little journal listing the paces to and from various places.

20. Nature Bracelet ? Using very sticky tape like packing tape or ducttape, make a "bracelet" by reversing the tape so the adhesive side is out. Go on a walk and let your child create a bracelet with what h/shefinds along the way. This can also be done at home with feathers

.21. What's in the Bag? Using any bag that isn't transparent, put 5 ors o items in the bag such as a spoon, a cup, whatever you find. Haveyour child close his/her eyes and feel in the bag to guess what is inside. This is a good family activity too as the child can add things to the bag to stump mom or dad.

22. Spin the Bottle ? Not the traditional kind! Spin the bottle, and whomever it lands on has to pay the spinner a compliment, even if the bottle lands back on the spinner! Kids love this and it teaches themt o notice good traits in others, as well as feel good about themselve swhen others compliment them!

23. Hide and Go Find ? Place objects around the house in a fairly obvious way. Then ask your child to go find something red in theliving room, etc. This is fun and can be played with any number of kids.

24. Shoebox Wagon ? The next time you have an empty shoebox, punch a hole in the side, tie a yarn or ribbon line to it and set a teddy bear or stuffed animal in it. Let your child discover it in your home andh/she will adore pulling it around and making up scenarios with it andstuffed animals.

25. Large Craft Stick People ? Using a handful of large craft sticks,draw faces on each one (perhaps representing family members) and wrapthem up in a pretty bag for your child. Allow him/her to add detailswith crayons and even provide extra sticks for older ones to makehis/her own nation of stick buddies. Another good one for restaurants.

26. What Sifts Through? A messy but fun one, perhaps for outdoortime. Using a colander and a basin, give your child a variety of cupsfilled with various things ? rice, sand, blocks, beans, etc. Invite him/her to explore what can fir through the colander's holes. This is great for pre-math and visual spatial relationships.

27. What floats? Using a basin of water, give your child a cup o rcontainer of items to see which ones float. You can discuss heavy andlight and how size doesn't always indicate weight.

28. Paper Bag Puppets -- Using brown paper bags (an inexpensive necessity!), draw faces of a dog, a cat, etc. and invite your child to do the same, on the bottom of the bag. You can even glue items likeyard and feathers to make fun and funny puppets. These puppets have taught lessons in our house, as I have put on little plays with themto teach the importance of being kind, or manners, or cleaning upafter oneself.

29. Produce Printing ? Using washable tempura paint, fill a paperplate with paint and cut a number of produce items in half in front ofyour child. You take one half and give your child the other. Dip inpaint and print on paper. This makes nice gift wrap!

30. Large Paper Tabletop ? Buy a roll of shipping/packaging recycledpaper. Roll it out onto a table or breakfast bar for the day or week,securing it with tape or clothespins. Provide a cup of crayons, asmall basket of stickers, washable stamps, etc. An instant, easy activity that is great when a buddy is over as well.

31. My Journal ? Buy a journal at the dollar store and a beautifulwriting pencil or interesting crayon and give it to your child todoodle, write, or simply scribble. Let him/her know that it is forhim/her only and that it doesn't need to be shared or shown to anyone.This makes the child feel so grown up.

32. Pasta Necklace ? Another oldie but goody. Using strong string(not yarn) and tube shaped pasta, let the beading begin. Be prepared to be asked to wear these creations, and do so!33. Straws and Cotton Balls ? keep these in a bag together and inviteyour child to make the cotton ball "run" using only his/her breaththrough the straw. H/she can use different colored straws to see ifone makes the cotton ball go further than another color.

34. Volcano World ? This is a production, but whenever I did it, the kids played with it all day long exclusively. In a small jar (babyfood sized is ideal) put in enough baking soda to fill the jarhalfway, add a few drops of red or orange food coloring if desired,build a "mountain" around the jar, leaving an opening to pour vinegari nto the jar later. Using plastic animals or dinosaurs let your childplay with them on the mountain and then, with great drama, add the vinegar. A containable and safe "explosion" will occur. SO fun!

35. Paper Chain ? Using strips of construction paper, let your child make a loop garland using tape or a stapler. Make sure you are near ifa stapler is being used. Older kids can write on the strips ? my kids write what their favorite things are, or colors, etc. And the chain becomes a monument to that list, "My favorite foods chain", etc. ? tohang in a bedroom or playroom.

36. Magnets Galore ? At the craft supply store, purchase a dozen or so painted wooden figures. These are very cheap - .25 cents each, I believe. Super glue a small magnet to each one and purchase a small cookie sheet for magnet play. When you are cooking, you can bring this out to occupy a little "helper". Store this on top of the refrigerator and only pull it out occasionally to keep it fresh. You can add magnets as your child develops new interest. This also makes a lovely homemade gift.

37. Lunch a New Way For a casual lunch, use a 6 count muffin tin and put a different food in each spot. You can use one of the spotsfor the child's drink. This is great on rainy or indoor days whensome excitement is needed.(Hey this chick stole my idea!)

38. Bread and Dough Sculptures ? making a simple pretzel or pizza dough is easy and when kids can make shapes or animals out of itbefore it bakes, all the better. Here's a recipe I use: Pretzel Dough:1 tablespoons quick-acting yeast1 cup water1 teaspoon sugar1 teaspoon salt2 cups flour1 tablespoon oilPreheat over to 400 degrees. Measure the water, sugar and yeast into abowl and mix. Wait two or three minutes for the yeast to soften. Stirin one cup of flour, then add oil, salt and remaining cup of flour.Sprinkle flour onto a wooden breadboard and place the dough on it.Knead dough for about five minutes. Place dough in a bowl and coverit, letting it rise for about 45 minutes in a warm place away from drafts, open windows, etc. Punch the dough down and work it into aball. Next, separate the dough into smaller portions and let thechildren use their hands to roll the dough into ropes or snakes tomold dough into different shapes. After combining ingredients, showchildren how to knead the dough and let them try. There's no need towait for it to rise.Let them brush their pretzel with a beaten egg, sprinkle with sesameseed, and bake at 400 for about 10 minutes, until light brown.

39) Frozen Ants -- Ask your preschool child to peel a banana and cut into two or three small pieces with a plastic knife. Spread peanutbutter on each piece then roll each piece in raisins. Wrap loosely inwaxed paper and freeze. Your young child may want to eat right away so have more than one banana available.

40) Teddy Bear Fort ? Kids always make forts for themselves, but whatabout their favorite doll or stuffed animal? Help your child getstarted and h/she will take it from there.

41) Can You Find It? Hide a variety of small objects in a basin ofrice or sand and ask him/her to find specific objects by feeling alone.

42) Which is longer? Cut strips of construction paper to different lengths. Ask your child to find the longest green strip, the shortest red one, etc. Categorizing options are many here and easy for thechild to do without frustration.

43) Pajama Day ? Let your child stay in his/her jammies all day andeat breakfast foods all day. Gather up all of your lullaby music andnighttime books. Let your child use a flashlight all day and make ateddy bear bed out of a shoebox.

44) Animal Search & Find ? Give your child a stack of a few magazines and ask him/her to find as many animals as possible. H/she may chooseto cut them out with safety scissors.

45) Cup Tower -- Have your child stack paper or plastic cups into atower and then knock them down. Watching them all fall around is halfthe fun!

46) Make a rainbow streamer. Take a paper plate, punch 5-6 holes next to one another along one side of the paper plate, cut out the middle,and tie ribbons to each hole. Encourage your child to run and dancewhile trailing his/her creation.

47) Tea and a Tea Tree ? Buy a very fancy tea cup and saucer for yourchild ? Ross or Marshall's works well for this. Buy a collection ofherbal teas and perhaps some stevia, honey or agave nectar to sweeten.Let your child choose from a variety of teas. After you have your hightea together, hang the used tea bag on a tree outside. When it rains,it will "rain" tea!

48) Giving Back ? Every once and awhile, make cookies for the mailcarrier or garbage truck workers. If it's hot, hand them a Gatoradebox or popsicle. When you do this, be sure to talk about how hardthese people are working and how thankful we are that they do whatthey do. This remains one of my kids' favorite activities and memories, and the mail carrier thinks it's pretty great too!

49) Tissue Box Mailbox. When you have an empty tissue box, gather up some junk mail, write your child's name on the side and allow him/herto play with opening mail, putting it through the slot and feelinglike a grown up. H/she can decorate it as well.

50) Weather Chart Make a circular pie chart Party supply stores have cake making supplies that work well for this), punch a hole in the middle and use a brad to secure a sturdy cardboard. Making as manysections as you wish, draw simple weather shapes. Encourage your child to notice the weather and change the chart whenever h/she notices thechanges. How many different types of weather can happen in one day? Hang this low or on the refrigerator so h/she can access.

A Last Couple of Notes:Messiness It is hard to watch your home become a chaotic mess from preschool activities. Try to let that go. These are the years that they need to learn with all of their senses and curtailing that only means stunting learning opportunities. Mess=smart kids.

I think those are great activities for kids but now I am on a quest for stuff for moms to do to take a break without abandoning the kids:

-I am computer oriented and I guess you are too which is why you are reading my blog. How about taking a Facebook break? Re-connect with family and friends and play a stupid game just to take the load off.

-I need to look at funny pictures or read funny stuff to make me happy and relaxed.

-How about prayer? Can't hurt right?

-Stress relievers you can do with your kids.

-Stay Sane.

-Wow this article covers it all!

Hang in there everybody!!

Selling a house with 3 kids under the age of 3

2011-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Below is something I wrote a long time ago before I had a blog. It was an email describing a horrific day I had while trying to sell a house with 3 kids under the age of 3 all in diapers. I wouldn't wish that process on my worst enemy.

Hey Everyone,

This might be long sorry. Today was really crazy. Last week we had an inspection report on our house and they found a leak under our kitchen. So today we get a plumber and he finds, gray water and food debris and some fungus. So now they need a clean-up crew to clean up under the house before they can fix the leak and a general contractor to come out and rip up some cabinets and maybe even some kitchen floor.

Here is the clincher to make sure the fungus doesn't spread we need to turn off our a.c. and cover all of the vents and this is all going to take about 5 days. And the guy said that it's not good for small children or the elderly to breathe so we need to leave!!!! So I had to pack up all my monkeys and ship out. Erik came home from work to feed the kids so I could pack everything. I called Sierra Suites and ask them if they have corporate rates for local businesses and since Erik sees paitients at San Ramon Regional I get a $100. knocked off the room rate.

As soon as Erik leaves both Michael and Bekah poo. So I changed them and load everyone in their carseats and blast the van a.c. and gas the light goes on empty. Luckily there is a gas station right next to the hotel. After I fill up I pull right up to the lobby doors and unload and usher all 3 inside the lobby. Three twenty-somethings are loafing behind the counter and tell me the room will be ready in 15 min. Of course Michael and Bekah are starting to explore the whole lobby. Luckily they had a t.v. in the lobby so I turned on cartoons. Jake starts to get mad so now I have to whip out my boob in the lobby and feed him. And then Bekah poos again!

Finally our room is ready. As I am gettting my room key/card Bekah sprints out the door towards parking lot, so I sprint after her. Michael says, "That's funny!" and is cracking up. I yell," That is not funny!", as I drag poopy Bekah back in. The staff behind the counter are trying not to laugh. They give me a room on the second floor as far from the elevator as possible but the girl offers to help once I bring my van around back. So I load them all up again and drive to back door and unload a diaper bag, duffel bag, suitcase, porta crib, my boppy, Jacob in his portable car seat and 1 hyper toddler and 1 poopy toddler who is an hour past her naptime.

I get a luggage cart, load everything but the kids and push that with one hand, while holding Jake with the other hand and screaming at Mike and Bekah to get on the elevator. No staff showed up to help and I couldn't abandon the kids to go get them. When we got to the second floor the nicest guy in the world pushed the cart for me while I herded the monkeys to our room. The guy has a 4.5 month old and informed me they are only having one kid. He probably made that decision right then. When we get to the room I am dripping sweat. I turn on the t.v. for Mike and change Bekah who now has poop soaked shorts, gross! In the worst case of passive-aggressivness I walked all the way back to the elevator and disposed of the diaper in the garbage can for everyone to enjoy.

They did provide a crib so I actually put Bekah in there attempting nap.........that didn't work. But it gave me time to set up the other porta crib and send out some emails and make some phone calls. In that 45 minutes I realized this room even though it has a kitchenette and a seperate bedroom is way too small and is not going to work for 5 nights!! So I load up kids again and take them to P3 Party Place. They love it there so I get no problems from Mike and Bekah. Right next door is the Residence Inn so I go in there and give them my sob story and turns out they have a 2 bedroom place, with free bfast and a pool for only $10 more than the place I am at now! So I signed us up for that for Friday night. Now that I am a little calmer I also remember that my SIL is going camping Sat. morning. So I call her and hook up her house for Sat. and Sun. night. We will figure out Monday when we get there. I go home for some stuff I forgot and to the grocery store for some basic provisions like beer and ice cream.

I go back and get kids and come back to hotel. Repeat process from before but now with groceries. This time another gentleman holds doors for me and the elevator. Mike gets in and pushes all buttons and the man says it's a good thing there isn't 20 floors! Back in the room the kids smear mac and cheese and ice cream everywhere and now the carpet in here looks like my kitchen floor. We did our usual bedtime routine to make life as calm as possible but Mike and Bekah still cried for 30 minutes before passing out. When they finally fell asleep we could put Jake in there with them and now Erik and I are out here in the "living room" watching football and drinking beer. Michael gets this huge cozy king bed to himself and Erik and I get a sofa bed. But I didn't want Mike sleeping out here with a stove! I would rather have him flush things down the toilet than set things on fire.

Wish me luck,

Charlotte

To be a fly on the wall in Livermore

2011-04-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

This evening is a mom's night out for a mom's club I was never a member of and never had to quit because of my big mouth. If I didn't have such a big mouth I would be there right now, enjoying fondue, but now I am at home writhing on my couch dying of curiousity.

Is anyone talking shit about me? Which one of my friends will be the first one to stick up for me? Will there be a catfight where someone's shirt gets ripped off and their boob flops out of their bra? And if that happens will somebody be smart enough to film it on their iPhone and upload it on Youtube? This is fucking killing me.

Most of the chicks at this restaurant in Livermore this evening are my friends, a handfull are not. And a couple of them need to have their fondue pot pissed in by me. Dip your bread chunk in that bitch.

Sigh............ok I feel a little better. Somebody better send me an email tommorrow with an update. Even if it's all civil and boring I want to know about it.

Conversations with a 4 year old Michael

2011-04-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

"Mom where are we going after we take Bekah to preschool?"

"The bank, Target and then home."

"Mom"

"What?"

"I have an idea, let's go the Kid's Discovery Museum!"

"Honey that's in San Jose and too far to go today because you have school later."

"But mooooom...."

"Mike stop whining!"

"Ok but we should go to the museum because it's not foggy."

Pause while I think what the hell fog has anything to do with going to the Children's Discovery Museum.

"You are right, it's not foggy but we aren't going today."

"Where are we going?"

"I just told you!"

"Can we go to the bank with lollypops?"

"Yes"

We go to bank, get lollypops, deposit check and drive to Target.

"Why are we going to Target?"

"To get medicine"

"Why?"

"Because mommy and daddy are old and old people take medicine."

Once we get to the pharmacy Mike runs to the counter and yells "Hey is anybody here?"

"Michael! We have to wait our turn in line."

"Mom"

"What?"

"Can I have a toy?"

"No"

"Whyyyyyy?"

"Mike stop whining!"

"I am good why can't I have a toy?"

"Auntie Merrill just bought you a toy and Hanukkah is coming and you will get a ton of toys."

"Mom"

"What?"

"Can I have a treat?"

"You just had a lollypop!"

"They have a Starbucks here"

Damn he's got me on that one, I need coffee bad.

"Ok if you are really good and don't run off, you and Jake can have a vanilla milk."

So we go look at Xmas trees while waiting for my prescription.

Very loudly, "We don't do Christmas because we are Jews!"

"That's right, but the trees are pretty."

We get our beverages and then go look at toys.

"Mom I want this for Hanukkah!" Repeats this 100 times at top of his lungs.

"Mom I haven't played with one of these in ages!"

"In ages? You are only 4"

"Mom I don't have a fishing pole."

"That's because we don't go fishing."

"We could go fishing."

"Yes someday we might go fishing and then you would need a pole, but not today."

We leave Target.

"Mom"

"What?"

"I have an idea, let's go to the park."

"Actually that's a really good idea, let's go. "

One hour later.

"Michael it's time to go honey you have to eat lunch and then go to school."

"Moooooom"

"Mike stop whining!"

"Ok 40 more minutes"

"How about 2 more minutes?"

"Mom I am having fun here"

"Me too but we have to go."

We get in van.

"Can we get Happy Meals?"

"No."

"Whyyyy?"

"Mike stop whining!"

"I love Happy Meals"

"You never eat your Happy Meal! You just play with the toy!"

"Where are we going after preschool?"

"Nowhere"

"Who is coming over tonight?"

"Nobody"

"But I love Auntie Merrill, I miss her!"

"You just saw her last night honey, she is busy today."

"Where is Oliver?"

"I don't know."

"But I miss Oliver and I want to have a sleepover tonight".

"You can't have a sleepover on a school night"

"I want to go out to dinner tonight with Daddy."

"Mike stop whining! We are not going out to lunch or dinner or having a sleepover. Not every day is a party honey. We had a long weekend and had fun and we need to relax tonight."

"Mom"

"What?"

"I love you"

"I love you too buddy. You are a very sweet boy and you make me laugh."

Daddy Vs. Mommy, removing splinters

2011-04-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

Husband's Method of Removing Splinter:

Assemble nitrous spray, hypodermic needle filled with sterile water, sterile surgical tweezers and gauze. Grab toddler with one splinter in hand. Have toddler sit on toilet and spray hand with freezing cold nitrous spray. Yell at wife to find escaped toddler and bring him back to the bathroom and restrain him while husband pokes gently at splinter with tweezers. Think happy thoughts while toddler's screams shatter eardrums. Finally remove splinter, flush wound with fluid from hypodermic needle, dress wound, and then treat toddler with candy.

Elapsed time= 15 minutes

Mother's Method of Removing Splinters:

Move Revlon tweezers back and forth over flame from cigarette lighter to sterilize. Turn on toddler's favorite cartoon, grab toddler and put in basket hold (learned from working in pysch hospital), tweeze and stab 5 splinters with tweezers and acrylic fingernails, think happy thoughts while toddler's screams shatter eardrums. Remove all 5 splinters, stick lollypop in toddler's mouth and wash hands in bathroom sink with soap and water. Release toddler.

Elapsed time= 5 minutes

There is a Jumpy House in my Laundry Room

2011-04-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so there really isn't a jumpy house in my laundry room anymore but that sentence has been running in my mind like the words on the bottom of your t.v. on a cable news channel. The reason there was a jumpy house in my living room was because Katie gifted one to my children before her sad departure, and I tried to deflate it but the hissing sound the air made as it left the valves was putting me to sleep in the middle of the day. So I stuffed it half deflated into my laundry and pulled the door shut. The reason I was compelled to hide the jumpy house was because I was interviewing a new babysitter because the one I hired to "replace" Katie only lasted one day. That is officially a record.

The record before that was a day and a half. That particular girl quit in the middle of the day because Mike hit her in the face with a dump truck. I was pregnant with Jake and on partial bed rest and after Mike hit her in the face she said she just couldn't do this so I paid her for a full day, gave her some Advil and prayed she wouldn't sue us. The new record was not so spectacular; she worked 1 day, had a weekend off and was supposed to come in on Monday and called on Super Bowl Sunday and said she couldn't work Mondays at all in the future and she wouldn't blame me if I fired her. Of course she knew full well that Mike goes to school on Mon. and WEd. and I have to work there 2 days a month so it was an easy out for her. So part of cleaning the house before an interview is to hide the jumpy house and mop the kitchen floor.

The new baby-sitter is named Sarah and I liked her because in her interview she said, " I am very flexible and I don't get irritated easily.". Perfect! So far she has lasted 2 days. She let Mike get away with too much t.v. watching but besides that she was very sweet, playful and clean. She informed me that Jake had a poopy diaper when I went to pick Mike up from school so when she left I checked him out and his butt was clean enough to eat my lunch off of. I know what he is capable of, he practically does back-flips when you try to change him so she is talented and probably used half a box of wipes.

So Valentine's Day when you have 3 kids is certainly not as fun as when you don't have 3 kids. Erik got me chocolates and I got him champagne and neither lasted long enough. The most festive part of Valentine's day was that all 3 monkeys got pink-eye. So Feb. 15th the weather was gorgeous and we couldn't hang out with our friends cause the monkeys were goopy eyed. So I took them to one of my fave spots, Natural Bridges in Santa Cruz. The natural bridge was a rock formation that I am old enough to remember but in the '80's was reclaimed by the sea. There is still a beautiful stone arch, a fresh water stream and tide pools. The tide was too high to check out the pools, with 2 toddlers and a baby on my back there was no way I was going to traverse those slippery rocks. But Bekah and Mike had a blast in the stream and Jake ate his first handfull of sand. Bekah treaded lightly in the stream but Mike forged ahead until he was soaked to the waist and then started begging to go into the ocean. He is truly a crab.

Going to the beach with all 3 of my babies was very challenging but very rewarding. My mom used to take us to the beach but we were all 3 years apart. A 9 yr. old, 6 yr. old and a 3 yr. old is alot different than a 3, 2 and almost one year old. This was President's Day weekend and Erik and I survived being quarantined with our gunky eyed beasts.

Today my Dad and Cherie came to visit. It was a yucky rainy day so it was great to have them here to help with the monkeys. Cherie was wonderful chasing the beasts around and they were so exhausted they went to bed without a fight. My dad and I were able to get a Scrabble game in and he beat me by 2 points in an over 300 point game. Katie called tonight, she sounded very homesick even though she is home now in Seattle. The kids talked to her and Mike told her he missed her and Bekah that she loved her. When we hung up I had tears in my eyes. She is going to try to make Jake's first birthday, yay!

Grandma Hazel

2011-03-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

This is the eulogy I delivered for my Grandmother yesterday. I wasn't the only one to speak kind words and my Aunt Kitty and Uncle Mike really put together a service as beautiful as my Grandmother. I wish I could say my gorgeous children sat quietly during the service but no, my dear husband ended up taking them to McDonald's. The were the best dressed family there. And I am eternally gratefully to Erik for going beyond the call of husband and father yesterday, and just being a completely awesome and patient person. I also delivered this eulogy wearing my husband's right contact lens instead of my own, just to add some extra challenge to the whole public speaking tension.

There are several things that will always remind me of my Grandmother: the status of poodles, and Cadillacs. The luxury of perfume, and Cashmere sweaters. Grandma was always perfectly put together, her dogs were groomed, her house spotless, and she smelled wonderful and felt so soft. She was by far the most glamorous person I have ever met. Grandma Hazel could wear white slacks and gold sandals to a BBQ and stay stain free. My girl cousins and I would love to open her bathroom drawers and stare mesmerized at all the lipsticks and lotions.

But she didn't always have access to these conditions. There is no status in migrating to California during the Depression. No luxury in sleeping under a bridge ( pictured above is the 7th Street bridge my Grandmother slept underneath, which is still located in Modesto, Ca.) with your siblings. There is nothing clean about having 6 kids of your own. And there will never be any glamour in outliving one of your own sons.

The beauty and order Grandma surrounded herself was much deserved. Both her and Grandpa Bill worked hard to build their life. They were excellent role models for hard work and learning new skills. Grandma Hazel didn't learn to play the piano and do ceramics until later in life. And Grandpa was always reading and educating himself.

And even though Grandma loved her family unconditionally, that doesn't mean occasionally she wouldn't try to change you. Us grand kids learned early on not to mention if we were feeling under the weather. Grandma would take this opportunity to pump us full of vitamins or make you drink some strange herbal concoction. She wouldn't mind performing minor surgery on our dirty feet to get out a splinter or rubbing Vitamin E oil on some mystery rash. She was an excellent nurse but wasn't afraid to experiment on us either.

I know my Grandma Hazel loved me. She gave me tons of hugs and kisses and spoiled me rotten. But I am pretty sure she thought my hair was out robbing liquor stores at night. I worshipped her so much I really didn't mind the experiments she attempted on my unruly hair. My mom would leave me at Grandma's house and she would be instantly washing and conditioning my hair in the kitchen sink. It was like a spa day. I didn't mind the crazy hair cuts, I didn't mind the olive oil and the beer rinse didn't bother me at all. It was the homemade mayonnaise I objected to. I smelled like a bologna sandwich for 2 days!

I wasn't the only grandchild, my brothers and my cousins were always at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Often for days at a time. And they played with us. Grandma would play on the piano with us, take us to parks, bowling, shopping and dye Easter eggs with us. Grandpa played cards with us,played pool with us, and let us follow him around the garden, and read all of his books. We were never bored and felt safe and loved. All of us running around the backyard, sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags and crowded around the kitchen or patio table.

Over the years family, just like friends, drift apart. I am so grateful for the memories my grandparents gave me and my cousins. And now that I have kids of my own I realize it's not that easy to organize family gatherings or reunions. I do want to offer my kids the same positive experience that we all had. I know that Grandma would want today to be more of a happy reflection and celebration of life. A chance for everyone to re-connect, to forget any differences, and to be loving role models for our new family members.

One day I was out to lunch with Grandma and she told me there wasn't a lot of love and affection in her childhood home. And as an adult she went to visit her brother Clarence at his home one day. Clarence walked up to her and hugged her. She was very surprised, but she said it felt so good to her that she hugged him back. She told me to remember to hug people and tell them that you love them otherwise they may never know how you feel.

I found an Irish Blessing perfect for the wife of a roofer.

May the roof above us never fall in.

And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

End of eulogy.

I asked a dear friend who currently lives in Stanislaus County if she knew of any non-religious type organizations that help homeless children. Modesto, where my Grandmother migrated to as a homeless child is in Stanislaus County, and my Grandma Hazel was never strongly religious. |My friend Daphne found a couple of places. Thank you so much Daphne that really means a lot to me.

Hutton House

Pathways

Me, my mom Louise, Grandma Hazel and my daughter Rebekah Hazel. R.I.P. Grandma nobody will ever be as beautiful as you.

An Ode to my Sister-in-law

2011-02-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

I wrote this 2 years ago and nothing has changed. My sister-in-law, Merrill, pulls my ass out of the fire on a weekly basis and is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Auntie M.

Ok so this was supposed to go out for Auntie M's birthday but what can I say, I am slacker. I also didn't want to just bust out something half-assed.

I met Merrill for the first time briefly at her house in Fremont when Erik and I were on the way to a party in S.F. Auntie M and her husband Uncle Chrissy were very nice and Kaitlyn was about 2 years old and Haley was about 7 months old, so cute.

The first time I really hung out with her was at her in-law's ranch in Sunol. Very intimidating to go to a weekend camping trip where the only person you know is your boyfriend. And there were a lot of people there for this Memorial Day Weekend. And these were my kind of people. Beer, food, more beer, more food, some music, some dancing, guns, dogs and more beer and more food. I had just come off a graveyard shift with no sleep but I quickly pulled it together and had a great Friday night. The next morning Merrill asked me to put sunscreen on baby Haley. I felt honored that she would trust me and I remember holding Haley on my lap and as I went to rub sunscreen on her ears she leaned towards my fingers and closed her eyes. So cute. I got to know Merrill better that weekend and really liked her.

As me and Erik's relationship progressed I realized how close Erik is to his sister and how lucky I am that she is likable. I worked Christmas day at the psych hospital and Erik went home to do Hannukah/Xmas with his family. When he got back I went to visit him and Erik escorted me into his living room and pointed to one corner; that pile is the gifts I got from my family and that pile is the gifts you got from my family. My pile was way bigger. Yay, they liked me!!

One day Erik told me that Merrill told him, "If you ever break up with Charlotte I will fucking kill you. ". I asked, "You were talking about breaking up with me?!". "No!", he said.

In a conversation with Merrill somehow we were talking about Erik's exes and Merrill said she liked me, "......because you are so normal.". Damn who was he dating before?

Erik and I moved to San Ramon and he was working with his father. On a day that Erik was supposed to be home early, he was not around so I called his cell phone. "What are you doing?", I asked, "Nothing.". My husband does not know how to lie which is a great thing to have in a husband. "If you are doing nothing then why can I hear Merrill's voice in the background?". Duh. He hung up and Merrill called me back and asked what kind of engagement ring I was looking for. I told her and she got me exactly what I wanted, with Erik's money.

Merrill planned my bachelorette party, it was so awesome that I can't put anything about it in this blog.

Merrill planned my bridal shower, and it was girly and beautiful, and all my family and friends felt welcomed. Merrill did a ton of other stuff for my wedding as well as having her girls as my flower girls. She also spent the night with me in my hotel room the night before my wedding and knew that was the one morning that it would be safe to wake me up and jump on my bed. She jumped all around me and said, "You're getting married today, you're getting married today.".

On my wedding day she kept me safe from all drama.

She was the first one to know I was pregnant. I wanted to tell my husband first but when I called Merrill to ask why when the wind blew a mile away my boobs hurt, she accurately guessed I was pregnant.

Merrill was in the room when Mike was born. I was at first opposed to having so many people in the delivery room but after Mike was born I realized that Erik and my Dad were window dressing. Merrill, my step-mom Cherie and my MIL Jan were my pit crew. I needed them. Jan is good for cheerfulness and food and hugs and kisses. Cherie is the type of person that when you lean forward in bed she fluffs your pillows, she also takes over the care and feeding of my father who is very emotional in situations like this. And Merrill knows how to communicate with me as a peer. She tells me what I am feeling is normal or not normal, she steers me in the right direction, I even let her grab my nipple and shove it in Mike's mouth for his first feeding. By the time I got around to having Jake, Merrill was back in school finishing her degree. Jake's birth coincided with finals and Merrill told me she might not make his birth. I of course understood but on the inside I was panicky. Jake was a good boy and made sure she was in the room when his daddy delivered him.

And speaking of back to school. Merrill finished her degree with 2 kids in elementary school and took care of my family while I was on partial bed rest!! I will never stop being impressed by that. And I feel like I never truly told her to her face how grateful I was, I was sooo preoccupied with my uterus.

She also got honors. And when I took my monkeys to her graduation she snatched Jake and showed him off to all of her friends.

And now Auntie M has moved to San Ramon! And I love it because she picks up Mike and takes him places. And they come over here and party . And just last weekend I went and got the damn stomach flu. It was bad and Erik decided I needed to go to the E.R. for some I.V. fluids. I called Merrill that morning and not only did we wake them up but her girls were at their grandmother's! So she was kid-free and sleeping in and I woke them up and asked them to come watch my kids so Erik could take me to the E.R. When I got home my youngest was napping and Merrill had cleaned my house.

I did not grow up with sisters, I have 2 younger brothers, 5 step-brothers and 3 step-sisters. My step-sisters are sweet but we did not grow up together. Now at the ripe old age of 38 I get to have a sister. In fact Merrill is wearing my cute, new jacket out tonight and I recently borrowed a dress of her's to wear to Erik's 20th high school reunion. Unfortunately we don't wear the same shoe size. But damn just think if we did.................this would be the perfect relationship.

Pure Randomness

2011-01-05T15:49:00.000-08:00

I forgot how evil sleep deprivation is. I had insomnia last night, and for no good reason at all. And then just as I fell asleep I had a visitor, and then I fell asleep and got another visitor. To new parents let me tell you something; just when you get your bedtimes perfect, your child will reach a new milestone, and their bedtimes go to Hell.

We have "potty-trained" our youngest, hence the new milestone, and tons more laundry. And washing a urine soaked Britax Marathon car seat......why it's just delightful. And I know because I have done it before. Just when you think it's safe to remove the beach towel, it's not.

So today I am tired and I have been running late all day and forgot one kid's lunch and had to hand-deliver another child's lunch after school started. Don't worry my oldest never eats his lunch anyways, I just pack him one so I look good.

I showed up late to a play-group this morning at a person's house I have just met. She has 2 boys, but when I walked in I saw a snow-globe on a side table. My heart leaped into my throat and I started to pray that my 3 year old didn't see it. Phew! He immediately became obsessed with the ceiling fans instead. I used to own decorative holiday snow globes too. But my 2 boys look at a globe and think, "Hey, a ball!". Shattered snow globes are not decorative. And they are a bitch to clean up.

At my oldest son's elementary school they are going to have a multi-cultural fair. Families are to set-up booths representing their culture. I have been amusing myself all morning thinking how awesome it would be to have a White Trash booth. I could shape the booth like a trailer and wear cut-off shorts and nylons and serve Twinkies, Spam and Wine from a box. But that wouldn't be appropriate.

Original Lyrics By Michael

Michael: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled poopers.".

Me: "That's not it."

Michael: "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a pistol in a pear tree.".

Me: "Please, do not sing that at school.".

Everyone is giving John Boehner a hard time for crying. Before I became a mother, I believed men should only cry when they are present at a birth, death or on mushrooms. Now I am trying to be more compassionate and fair. It's hard. I look at my kids' lives and can't imagine why they would be crying, except if they are in physical pain. I practice empathy daily. And as for John Boehner, you have to give credit to a guy who has convinced America that his last name rhymes with complainer not owner.

Ha ha, you thought I was going to say boner.

One more thing. I just finished an excellent book! "A Quiet Belief in Angels", by R.J. Ellory. Actually that is probably why I had insomnia last night, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's a little morbid but has a happy ending.

Weight Watcher's Menus Week #1

2011-01-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

This is a re-run. How funny that last year I was slimming down for a cruise and now I am slimming
for a trip to Las Vegas. And tonight Auntie M is coming over with her brood and we are having a last hurrah. This time a buffett of junk food. Tommorrow back to health and exercise and adequate sleep.

I am going on a cruise Feburary 14th so starting next week, I need to get serious about diet and exercise.

I will share my menus and recipes with you. It's your choice whether you follow it or not. I will list Weight Watchers points for the majority of food items and when I list a brand name it's not because I am getting paid (because I am not that smart), it's just for your convenience.

New Year's Eve, The Last Hurrah!

I am not listing the points for this meal, I don't want to know.

Breakfast= coffee, a couple of cookies

Lunch=leftover pizza

Dinner=Hamburgers with blue cheese and bbq sauce on sourdough buns.
Onion rings and/or french fries
lettuce and tomato for color
beers

Snack=sparkling wine
popcorn with frozen M&Ms

The Last Weekend of Indulgence

Breakfasts= omelettes with meat, cheese and veggies and toast with a ton of butter.
Lunches= Leftovers and cookies.
Dinners= Leftover fattening foods from freezer, leftover treats, finish off beers.

Detox Monday

Breakfast= Mini wheat bagel with 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese = 4 points

Lunch= soup, 2 cups= 2 points (3 cans of black beans 2 of them drained and 1 undrained, dumped into pot with a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes with juice, 1/2 cup chicken broth, a pinch of anise seeds(optional), a pinch of dried sage (optional) and salt and pepper to taste, and Tabasco to taste. Simmer and eat with 2 Tbs of Fat Free Sour Cream, good stuff!

Snack choices= hard-boiled egg and a V-8= 2 points, Jolly Green Giant 1 lb. 8 oz. bag cauliflower, broccoli, carrots and cheese (yes the whole bag)=5 points, lettuce with Marie's lite blue cheese dressing 2 Tbs. and a few croutons=2 pts., canned green beans, drained, add a splash of balsamic vinegar and dash of pepper= 0 pts.

Dinner= Teriyaki Turkey Burgers with Pineapple and Lettuce= 6.5 pts.

Oh Fuck, It's Only Tuesday?!

Breakfast= Egg, bacon, veggies. Scramble one egg, with 1/2 cup sliced mushrooms, slice Canadian bacon=3 pts. Scarf this down take kids to school.

Lunch= Soup from yesterday= 2pts.

Snack choices= 5 cups (over 90% Fat Free) microwave popcorn= 1 pt., 1 cup grapes=1 pt., 1 cup baby carrots with 2Tbs. Marie's lite blue cheese dressing=1 pt., small can of V-8 0 pts.,

Dinner= Thai Beef Salad 4 servings= 4 pts. a serving

Hump This, Wednesday!

Breakfast= whole wheat mini bagel 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese

Lunch= Frozen Weight Watchers meal= 5 pts.

Snack choices= 2 slices FF (FF means fat free from now on) Swiss cheese, wrap around 1 oz slice sandwich meat, dip in mustard= 3pts. Shove in face, chug a diet soda = 0 pts., take kids to dance class, try not to burp on everyone.

Dinner= BBQ Chicken Salad = 6 pts.

It's Close Enough to Friday to Start Drinking (don't drink and drive, don't beat your kids)

Breakfast= Creamy Oatmeal= 1 packet plain instant oatmeal stir in 1/2 cup light yogurt= 3 pts. (No sugar! No Butter!)

Lunch= Sushi (I hate Sushi, I am just putting this here for my friends) 4 lrg pieces California roll, 6 small piece tuna roll= 5 pts.

Snack choices= 1 large orange = 1 pt., 1.5 oz. low-fat mozzarella cheese with two tomato slices, splash balsamic vinegar= 3pts.

Dinner= Bacon, Corn and Clam Chowder= 4 pts.
Beer= 3 pts.
Lite beer= 2 pts.

Family Friday
You made it through the work week!!! Don't blow your diet over the weekend, you can do it!

Breakfast= Any choices from above.

Lunch= Garden Veggie Soup= 0 pts. per serving, 4 servings.
Use as many pre-cut, pre-diced veggies as possible; carrot, onion, cabbage,canned green beans, tomato, zucchini. I use one small clove crushed garlic. (you can use more, I have a moderate allergy to garlic so too much is bad, remember that when reading my recipes). 3 cups fat free beef or chicken broth. Dried herbs to taste (basil, oregano etc.) and Salt to taste.
Saute all veggies in non-stick spray for 5 minutes THEN ADD GARLIC, then add broth and spices. Simmer 10 minutes, eat.

Snack Choices=1 medium apple= 1 pt., 1 large banana= 2 pts., breakfast choices from above.

Dinner= Order a large pizza 1/2 veggie. 1 large slice of veggie pizza= 6 pts.,salad with 2 tsp. olive oil and vinegar of choice= 2pts., bowl of zero points soup from lunch=0 pts., beer/wine=3 pts. Total= 11 pts.

Scrounging Saturday (no cook and finish off leftovers)

Breakfast= breakfast choices from week before. Finish off those bagels before they get stale, make a fruit salad before the bananas get brown.

Lunch= Leftovers from dinners and lunches. Pizza from last night, Salad, soups, load up those bagels with veggies, lite sandwich meats and lite cream cheese.

Dinner= Scrambled eggs with the FF Swiss or Cheddar cheese (1 egg white +1 whole egg per person) and tons of veggies. Sprinkle tabasco all over.= 3 pts., Beer= 3 pts., 2 slices wheat toast with tiny bit of butter= 4pts. Total 10 pts.

Starter Sunday (food to fuel your busy next week)

Breakfast= 3/4 cup bran flakes with 1/2 cup FF milk and 1 cup strawberries= 3pts.

Lunch= Make 0 pts. soup so it's ready for your lunches and snacks next week. 1/2 cup cooked whole wheat pasta mixed with 1/4 cup canned in water tuna drained, 1/2 cup chopped celery, 10 small black olives, 1/4 cup shredded FF mozzarella cheese, 1/4 cup white beans, toss with 2 Tbs. FF Italian dressing. All of that is 6 pts. that's alot of food.

Snack Choices= 1 oz baked tortilla chips with 1/2 cup FF salsa (most salsas are FF check label)=2 pts., 1 packet sugar-free fat-free hot cocoa made with 1/2 cup FF milk= 2 pts.

Dinner= Bacon Cheese Turkey Burgers with Special Sauce

Go to bed early. And tomorrow remember to drink more water.

Former Party Girls turned Moms are the only ones allowed to read this.

2010-12-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

When I first had kids I joined a mom's club. The next best thing after playgroup was MNO (Mom's Night Out). But some of us interpret that differently. I would leave, "Goodnight ladies", and then I would get a six-pack and drive to Las Trampas. I would put my feet up, sip some brew and watch the owls hunt. Then I would go home, pump and dump, and pass out. If I didn't do that, then I would take my husband's Mercedes and drive 130 mph from San Ramon to Fremont and back again, with the sun-roof open and blasting The Stones.

We traded the Mercedes in for a Honda and we both turned 40. Yuck. I had a MNO this evening and the most rebellion I could scrounge up was a trip to the local watering hole (after the mom's visit was over). The scene was ridiculous, I drank half a beer and bailed.

Is this it?

I Support Violence Against Children

2010-12-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

Of course I do not support violence against children. Sigh. But if you haven't been on Facebook yet today let me tell you what's going on. There is currently a campaign on Facebook right now encouraging people to change their profile pictures to a favorite cartoon character to make a stand against child abuse. Below is the status update explaining this phenomenon.

"Change your FB profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To

not see a single human face on FB until Monday, December 6th. Join the

fight against child abuse; copy & paste and invite your friends to

do the same."

Let me tell you why I am refusing to do this, even though the majority of my friends and family are participating in this event. I do not want to equate the cartoons of my childhood with child abuse. It disturbs me.

"The Goal? To not see a single human face.....". That is a horrible goal! Humans commit the crime of child abuse, not fictional cartoon characters.

Want to make a stand against child abuse? Put a human face on it. Not a victim's face, an offender's face.

I am not really suggesting anyone do this, but I believe it would be way more appropriate to change your profile picture to the picture of a child abuser. Maybe a picture of your own abuser. The majority of crimes against children are done by a family member or "friend".

It's a very real possibility that a lot of Facebook members have a picture of their offender. Do you want to equate that person with your favorite cartoon character? Do you want one of your friends to look at your profile picture of a cartoon and be invaded by unpleasant memories?

You can't control how another person feels or perceives, I realize that. I know that everyone who is participating in this has only the best intentions in their heart. Otherwise you wouldn't be my Facebook friend, right? I am just telling you that I feel, strongly, that refusing to participate in this particular campaign will be more effective in the long run.

What did I do today to prevent child abuse? I kept myself healthy, I talked and listened to my kids, and I took time to check in with their teachers. Think globally, but start locally.

This time of the year is supposed to be gleeful and joyous. But it can be stressful, demanding, depressing and very disappointing. Do you want to avoid child abuse? Give yourself, or a parent you know a break.

Below are some websites from people who work hard everyday to prevent child abuse and take care of victims.

Stop it Now!

First 5 California

Child Abuse Prevention Council

Child Abuse Prevention Association

I promise the next thing I write will be funny.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-19T10:21:00.001-08:00

I was reminded by an actual live person this morning that I have a blog. And she read it, and I think she liked it. Except for my re-post of the guest blogger. So that encouraged me to come home and, well.....instead of writing something new, due to time constraints, I am publishing a piece I know people have enjoyed. Happy Thanksgiving!

That's right, just in case you are new to this blog you may have missed the fact that I am going to go see Chelsea Handler live this weekend. No kids. Good friends, good food, potent alcohol and a night in a fancy hotel. I am not going to tell you where Chelsea is playing, what night she is playing or what hotel I am staying at..........just in case I have a stalker. I will give you a review when I come home, and after I have recovered.

Please don't waste your time getting too jealous of me. I deserve this. I adore my life, at home with my 3 kids and managing the household but I need a break sometimes to keep up my sense of humor.

This week for instance I was convinced my kids had Swine Flu. What a coincidence they would get sick after a visit from my brother and his wife who live in San Diego, right next to Swine Flu central. Fortunately it turns out to be nothing but a couple of common colds and ear infections. So I dope them up with vitamins and amoxycillin and we head to the mall.

For years I could wear the same clothes over and over again but once you hit motherhood you actually need new clothes. I am not talking about maternity clothes, that's obvious, but you actually get too big for some clothes and too small for other clothes as you lose your baby fat and don't get me started on what happens to your ever-changing shoe size. Then your kids will actually gnaw on and tear your clothing and stain your favorite outfits with who knows what. So I am not exaggerating when I say I need a couple of new outfits.

Taking a 2, 3 and 4 year old to the mall is usually one of my least favorite things to do but somebody has to do it. And the fact that I managed to find a $48 skirt for $18 is worth a little pain.

As soon as we get to Macy's Bekah and Mike find a sofa and sit down. I am stunned! I expect them to stay with me but not actually sit and behave. This is looking really good. I am super happy. Jake is in the stroller munching on Cheerios and I actually find a skirt and 2 shirts right away. My luck is improving. I ask Mike and Bekah to follow me to a different part of the store and they listen, and they stay with me.

As I rummage around looking for a pair of jeans that will make my legs look thin, I hear a voice ask, "What brand of stroller is that?". I look up and see a cute mom with 2 girls. So I tell her the brand and then she just stares at me. I recognize the look on her face. It's the please talk to me and don't make me go home by myself and be alone with small children look. I know that feeling, I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, but I am working on borrowed time here. My kids are behaving and who knows how long that's going to last. But I can't leave her. So I ask, "How far apart are your girls?" Less than 2 years apart.

I knew it. Us moms that have kids less than 2 years apart can find each other anywhere. Across a crowded room with rainbows and hearts coming out of our eyes. She didn't know that was the reason she was talking to me because she is right in the middle of it, but I knew. Her youngest is 3 months old and her oldest just turned 2 years old. Now I was torn. I had a mission, find some clothes that didn't make me look fat, feed my kids, and get home in time for naptime. But now I just found an overwhelmed mom in the mall who needs company. So I took a deep breath and talked to her for a few minutes. As soon as Jake started throwing Cheerios everywhere and trying to wipe his boogers on clothes, and Mike really wanted to kiss her sleeping 3 month old, (which is sweet but germy), and Bekah was getting jealous that I was talking to other little girls, it was time to pull the plug.

I headed to the dressing room. In the past I have grabbed clothes, bought them, and then tried them on at home, and then returned the ones that don't fit. But I am feeling brave and we get the giant dressing room that is fully enclosed so nobody can sneak under the stall walls. Macy's is having a massive sale so the dressing rooms are packed with women.

Once in the dressing room I actually let Jake out to run around since it's fully enclosed and I start to disrobe.

"Mommy, I see your panties."

"Of course you do, I just took off my pants.". I could have sworn I heard a giggle outside our stall. I take off my shirt.

"Mommy you're fat."

"Michael!"

"Mommy you're fat", Bekah chimes in, she has to do everything Michael does.

"Bekah and Michael, that's not nice."

"But Mommy you are fat." Now I can definitely hear laughing outside our dressing room.

"Ok that's enough you are lowering my self-esteem.". More snickers
"What's self-esteem?"

"You are making me feel bad about myself by calling me fat."

"But you are fat.". More laughter. Sigh.

"You are fat because you had 3 babies in your pouch." Ok somebody actually snorted. They laughed hard enough to snort.

"Like a kangaroo." Bekah chimes in.

"I didn't have 3 babies at once and it's not a pouch, it's a tummy.". And I don't care how much I work out and lose weight and do sit-ups I do, I still have a pouch of skin around my belly-button.

So now Mike takes this opportunity to grab that excess skin and try to fold it into a taco and start kissing it. And saying,

"But Mommy your tummy is so cute and soft and cuddly and you had babies inside it, mwah, mwah, mwah "(those are kissy sounds).

At this exact moment Jake realizes that the door only locks on the inside and he can leave this joint. So he turns the handle and starts to open the dressing room door,

"Noooooo!!"

I lunge at the door just in time and slam it shut with the palm of my hand. In the meantime I knock over Mike and Jake has grabbed my leg and is trying to bite me.

"Jake no biting!" Nobody is trying to hide their laughter now and I want to dissappear.
I slam the stroller in front of the door and lock all 4 brakes.

"Mommy you pushed me down!"

"I didn't push you down, I tripped over you because you were standing right on top of me!"

"Get off the floor and go sit next to your sister! Look how good Bekah is."

"She is licking the mirror."

"Bekah! Don't lick the mirror, that is disgusting!"

I have managed to get my clothes back on and Jake has figured out he can't move the stroller away from the door and he is in a screaming rage. Nobody is laughing now. I have to wrestle him back into the stroller and that is like wrestling with a midget on PCP.

I am sweating as I back the stroller out of the dressing room and nobody will look me in the eye as they all try not to laugh.

At this point I still have to buy my clothes, feed the kids, do naptime, pay work bills, clean house, laundry, dinner, bathtime and bedtime.

Do you see why I think I deserve a night out?!

Guest Blogger: Billy Bob Neck

2010-11-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Ha, I am so damn proud!!!!!!!!!!!!! Billy Bob Neck ended up on the Rachel Maddow Show this evening. But I can say that I knew him when. When he guest blogged on my mediocre blog and received sparse comments. Which I loved, because that means I finally offended my followers. Think tongue in cheek, think "in character" like Stephen Colbert.

Guest Blogger Billy Bob Neck is too computer stupid to have been able to post this himself so he asked me to do it for him, hence: don't shoot the messenger.

9/11 - What So Proudly We Hailed

Eight years ago, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein unleashed the most evil attack the world had ever seen. No one knows why they did it. It came outta left field, a completely random act of hatred and violence. Using Iraq and Iran as a secret base, they cooked up a plot they hoped would put the nail in the coffin of a country the rest of the world looks up to for guidance, strength and as a role model of freedom and democracy - the United States of America.

But it didn't work.

Sure, America had got fat, lazy and stupid over the previous eight years. Just look at the president we had. If it hadn't been for God's ever watchful eye, Bill Clinton woulda destroyed the United States all on his own. We turned into a country of corrupt, drug-using, homo-loving, Internet addicted adulterers. Clinton couldn't even find a good war to keep the military sharp! And so America followed the "president's" lead and curled up in front of http://www.hotgaymilitarystud4you.com/ with a pile of cocaine and a chubby Jewess. Oh, sure, every now and again someone would question whether this policy of tune-in, turn-on and drop-out was wise but as soon as they started to get the message to the general public, Hellery's squad of lesbian domestic terrorists quickly killed the messenger. Our military, once full of proud, strong, manly MEN ready to jump on a grenade to save a regiment or romance a girl at a USO canteen, deteriorated to a nest of leather-clad S&M homos taking pictures of themselves engaged in the most vile acts ever imaginable.

Forced homo sex was common during "President" Clinton's term.
President Bush made it a top priority to stop homo sex in the military.

Our intelligence agencies fell apart, too. Under a Republican president, the FBI and the CIA woulda seen this coming down the pike and quickly moved to stop it. Instead, they were used to cover up TravelGate, find whores for the "president", start trouble in Africa and investigate and terrorize godly people and organizations like The Army of God.

Maybe they did it just cuz by the end of the Clinton "presidency" America had a great big sign on its back that said "Kick me".

At the end of "President" Clinton's administration, much
of the world thought that America, once proud and strong
had become a joke.

So on 9/11/01, they did.

Have you ever banged your funny bone? Y'all probably know that it ain't a bone and it ain't funny. It stings real bad and your arm feels kinda paralyzed and you wonder if your gonna be able to use it again but a couple of seconds later it's good as new. That's the whole of the effect that 9/11 had on America. We got stung, but not for long and we are back and kicking towelhead butt all over the Middle East! There was a lot of people who wanted America to live in a perpetual state of fear - they wanted the terrorists to win. But like Ronald Reagan - we don't got nothing to fear except fear!

Today, the dumbo-crats focus on the past. What could have been done to prevent it? How could it have happened? Why didn't President Bush stop it? Who was behind it all? And most important - how do we make this President Bush's fault? That kinda thing is called living in the past and it don't do no one no good. We gotta saying from where I come from - Whenever you point a finger, you got three fingers pointing back atcha. Lie-beral would do well to remember that before they open their big, fat, foul, lying, deceitful, slanderous, traitorous anti-American mouths.

The four pointing fingers of the lie-beral defeato-crat will never beat
the four points of the cross on which our savior was crucifed or even
the Holy Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. When will they understand
this?

Instead, let's take this time to reflect on the good things and be proud of America!

Stock Market - When the stock market opened again on 9/17 it had fallen 684 points to 8920. At the end of the week it fell to 7551. Where is it now? Lemme tell you, it was higher when President Bush was president ! You towelheads wanna try to destroy our economy? Nice try, God-haters! I'm sure the lie-berals will find something bad about that.
Jobs - Since 2003, 8,000,000 new jobs got created. That's 8,000,000 new jobs. 8,000,000 of 'em! That's no small number. Since the election of a commie muslim president, the job numbers have done nothing but go down. Why ain't nobody making this connection? Thousands of kids found a new and fulfilling career in the United States Military. Military service is one of the first things that an employer looks for when they hand you a job application to fill out. These boys got a jump on everyone else! With Barack HUSSEIN Obama trying to put the army out of bidness, employment's gonna keep falling.

Security - Sometimes you need a catastrophe to point out the weak spots. During Katrina we found out that Negroes would rather spend their money on frivolous entertainment than on good reliable transportation. Now that we know that, we can start teaching them the need for having a car. With 9/11, we learned that "President" Clinton's "don't ask don't tell" policy also applied to policing the border. Anyone and everyone could just waltz on into the US regardless of their intent to destroy it. The fact that the FAA, under "President" Clinton's allowed deadly weapons on board airplanes points out just how badly the country was run. Whole cosmetic cases full of potential WMDs flew unchecked. Why do you think the favorite shampoo of terrorists was "Head and Shoulders"? How many phone calls from Buffalo to Baghdad went unchecked that updated Saddam on the sinister and ultimately unsuccessful plot to destroy America?

Morals - Some quick points to consider. Since 9/11
Islam is no longer considered as a "peaceful" religion. This has caused many former Islams to find Jesus Christ as their personal savior. This might never have happened without 9/11.
The fight against homo marriage intensified with many states passing anti-homo-marriage laws. A lotta folks see this as a return to God teaching from Genesis on that marriage is between a man and a woman.
The number of abortions since 9/11 steadily decreased. Americans understand that if we are to win this thing then every man will be needed and killing pre-borns is not only a sin against God but anti-American, too.

There's literally hundreds of thousands of examples of how our country took the lemons of 9/11 and made sweet, tasty lemonade that even Grandma would be proud to sip in the shade of a tree on a hot summer day.

So on this 9/11 Day, as we pause to honor the memory of the thousands of American men, women and pre-borns killed as the towers crumpled into the streets of Manhattan under the planes of terrorists and the hand of God, let's remember that it took a man of President Bush's stature and vision to bring the United States back from the brink of destruction to a place of almost unheard of prosperity and goodwill.

Are you gonna let a left-handed, commie, socialist, non-US citizen destroy all that? Barak HUSSEIN Obama wants to turn our government into a divisive instrument of partisanship. And that's why we gotta impeach him now!

God Bless America!

God is Love!
BBN
http://www.billybobneck.com/

Bedtime Antics

2010-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but, once that obligatory bedtime routine is executed, and all the bedroom doors are shut, I am off-duty. As long they don't open their door and yell mom, and I don't smell any smoke, then I am enjoying me time. Except tonight.

I tried to ignore the antics, until plaster from the ceiling started to rain on my head. The windows were shaking, the blinds were swinging and my cat looked terrified. I finally trudged upstairs to find 3 individual broadway acts going on. Except it was more like a combination of Vaudeville and mixed martial arts.

I witnessed singing, stuffed animal throwing and wrestling. I yelled at them to go to bed but without much enthusiasm. I started to realize that if the three of them can do this much damage, wait until we have slumber parties.

Beer and Politicians

2010-09-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

I know most people think I am a crazy liberal. But I do have a fair criteria for picking politicians. Can I have a beer with them?

I could totally have a beer with Arnold, John McCain, Reagan, Nixon (ok the last 2 are dead). I used to think that I could have a beer with Palin, but then she started talking and I realized I would rather break a beer bottle on her face.

Tonight the Gubernatorial debates were televised. I tried, tried, tried to be neutral. But hands down I would much rather have a beer with Jerry Brown. Just for the record I did shake hands with him when I was a child. His hands are basketball player large and he fit both me and my brother's hand in his. He also told me I was pretty and since most of my childhood I was mistaken for a boy, even after I started wearing a bra, this went straight to my heart. Ok so let's put all the favoritism aside and look at Meg Whitman..........

So the bitch turned Ebay around , that's awesome. She can run a HUGE company, that's no joke, I get it. But her voting record in her own words is "atrocious". Belly up to my imaginary bar and it's acceptable if you wake up at the age of 23 years old and say, "Damn! I have had the priveledge of voting since I was 18 and I am such an asshole for not taking advantage of that. ". Belly up to my bar at the ripe old age of Meg Whitman and display her erratic voting record and announce you are running to be the Governor of California.......I will not buy you a drink.

I am getting tired so I need to cut this short. Meg Whitman has spent, so far, $71 million of her personal fortune on her campaign. Blink, blink, pace the room, go pee, open a beer and sit down and think.... how much is my personal fortune. I bet you anything your personal fortune does not have room for $71 million in disposable cash. If you are a good person your disposable cash would go towards our suffering public schools, if you are a semi-decent person that cash would go for plastic surgery and if you are struggling with morals, that amount of cash could buy a lot of hookers and crack.

And I am so open-minded that I realize hookers have got to pay their mortgage and crack dealers need to pay rent. But Meg Whitman does not deserve to be Governor of the state of California. And if I was a real writer I would not end with this paragraph...........but my cat is licking his ass within ear shot and I need to sign some permission slips and go to bed.

Hurricane Katrina 5 years later

2010-08-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

I remember that August well. My oldest was 15 months old and I was hugely pregnant with my daughter. Mike was playing with a Hot Wheels track and I was watching super hottie Anderson Cooper on CNN while folding laundry.

That was Anderson Cooper's epic coverage of the Super Dome in New Orleans, with all the stranded victims of Hurricane Katrina. As he talked to the camera a hugely pregnant woman shuffled behind him. I gasped. Here I am cool, comfortable, safe and well-fed watching a woman as pregnant as me sweating, with no access to food or water. I started bawling.

Michael is the emotional barometer in our home and he was immediately concerned. Just then my husband opened our front door which faced our living room. And this is where it gets funny. My dear husband saw his crying pregnant wife, holding his son and Erik actually took one step backwards. He stood on the threshold of our home, one foot in and one foot out, and stole a quick glance over his shoulder. He was thinking of making a run for it!! Erik was struggling hard to think what he had done to make me cry and how he could escape punishment. What a chicken.

I explained to him why I was crying, and it wasn't until he realized he was not guilty of anything that he felt safe walking into the house and shutting our front door. In his defense I was a little psycho when I was pregnant.

Now I have a 6 year old, an almost 5 year old and a 3 year old. I am so happy to not be pregnant during another summer! But I still wonder about that other pregnant woman. Did she and her baby make it? Is her child going to start Kindergarten next year like my daughter Bekah? Does she, or did she have more kids? Does she still live in New Orleans? I can only pray that she is safe now.

The Most Entertaining Homophobic Smackdowns

2010-08-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

The Most Entertaining Homophobic Smackdowns

Brilliant! That's all I have to say.

My Summer Vacation by Charlotte

2010-08-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

I took some major time off from my blog and I missed writing, and offending and entertaining my friends. I'd like to give you a run-down on my summer before I go back to my usual erratic posts.

June
* Kids did great with their swim lessons even though Jake and Bekah's class was monopolized by some helicopter parents. That means they hovered over the pool and bossed the swim coach around. All 3 of them: mom, dad and grandmother. The poor little boy was wearing a swim vest and goggles, neither of which fit properly. It was killing me! Poor little guy. My only advice to the swim coach was, drag Jake's ass into the pool if he tries to run away.

* Took my savages to Disneyland for their first time. Lots of family joined us and we dominated the park. My daughter is fearless, my sons are wimps. Mike heard the first chord of organ music in The Haunted Mansion and ran screaming for the door. Jake was catatonic for an hour after going on The Pirates of the Caribbean. Bekah went on Tower of Terror twice! She's 4 years old.

July
* Husband was on-call Fourth of July weekend. Super suck.

* Took my 3 monkeys to the county fair by myself. Hot and expensive but I am not afraid to hit the beer booth. Best money spent was shooting water balloons out of a sling-shot, at each other. I have better aim than they do (evil laugh) that's what they get for waking me up at dawn. Jake was on my team and Bekah and Mike had their own, ineffective team. We drew such an audience of people laughing that the booth's owner kept giving us free water balloons. We got him a whole new line of customers. It was really fun. One woman was laughing so hard she had to sit on the grass so as not to pee her pants.

*Kids did sports camp, craft camp, no girls allowed camp and a music class.

* I decided to take the kids camping for a weekend by myself. Not really, my Dad and Step-mom and other family were there to pick up some slack. My reasoning was that Erik would have a lovely weekend by himself and would be refreshed.

*We spent the whole weekend in the lake swimming. Jake practically hyperventilated when I tried to swim out to the buoys in the middle of the lake. I started to turn back and my dear Dad said,"No! Spend 5 minutes by yourself he needs grow out of this!". Thanks Dad. It was so nice to swim out past the pee warmed water and shiny slick of sunscreen,to the middle of the lake where it was nice and cool and quiet. Totally cleared my head.

* I was exhausted the next day and packed up camp around my sleeping kids. I then poured them into semi-clean clothes and packed them into the van. I told them we would stop for milk and donuts if they let me drive home with no stops or fighting. I was so excited thinking that I would dump them on my refreshed husband and take a giant nap. When I got home Erik was laid up with a sprained ankle..........no rest for the wicked.

*Mike flooded our downstairs. Our cat drinks from the bathroom sink and Mike turned it on full-blast, plugged the sink and then came back upstairs to snuggle with us in bed. While Erik and I are laying in bed listening to our 3 kids sing songs about farts we had no idea our bathroom was flooding beyond the walls and onto the hallway carpet. Such a lovely thing to come downstairs and see before I have even had a cup of coffee.

*Keep your records updated, I called the number my husband gave me for our insurance guy and it was phone sex chat-line!

*Happy ending: home owner's insurance is buying us new downstairs carpet. I have decided to let my 6 year old live. Then I had a huge good-bye to the old carpet playgroup here with my friends and all their kids. At least 15 kids were here. Good times.

August (last weekend of July)
*My brother Bill and his woman, Ari, came to spend a couple of nights. They were trying to catch a military flight out of Travis Air Force Base for Europe (the long way). Bill is a Navy Seal. Lots of family in and out all day feeding them brunch, lunch and grilled a couple of tri-tips. Tons of fun.

* After they left their travels took them to Spain and Morocco. They stayed here on there way home for a couple of more nights. I love having them here because they are very hands-on with the kids and not only are a huge help but really tire out my kids!

*The same day Bill and Ari went home Erik's grandmother came to stay a couple of nights. She came with me to Mike's camp talent show and Mike booed a little girl and made her cry. I wanted to fucking die!! I dragged him out of the room and told him how he had hurt her feelings and was never allowed to boo again for the rest of his life. And he said,"Even at a football game?". And I said maybe. Then I made him apologize to her and by that time he was in tears.

*I took Grandma-in-law and kids to visit a cousin of hers in Marin. They were super nice and had 2 kids of their own. He is V.P. of Wordpress so I didn't mention I had a blog on Blogger and I told my Grandmother-in-law not to say anything either.

*The next day tons more family came for a bbq and then sister-in-law took her grandmother home with her.

*Erik was on-call this entire time. It sucked.

*Hooked up with friend of over 30 years and took our kids to Gilroy Gardens. Fun!

*Jake has taken to climbing the outside of the stairs. Like a rock wall. The first time I found him I couldn't even reach him because he had climbed so high. I ran upstairs and dragged him over the railing to safety. I have weaved a crib bumper through the spindles but that's just slowing him down. Any ideas besides barbed wire or broken glass?

*Last night bbq here, tonight bbq at friends, tomorrow more bbq at friends. And then back to school on Monday. Three different schools, three different schedules.........wish me luck.

Awards and Why I don't Do Them

2010-08-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

I am not one of those mommy bloggers who gives cute stuff away and awards their friends with heartfelt awards. Why? Because I suck. I am lazy and unorganized.

This chick Angie who has her shit way more together than I do, gave me an award and I am very grateful. Please check out her blog, she's cute, sarcastic, is funny and drinks.

Coming soon: My kids will go back to school and I will have time to blog. I want to tell you about my summer and otherwise bore or entertain you, and indulge myself.

Right now I have the news on and I guess our troops are leaving Iraq. My bro, who is a Navy Seal, was supposed to go to Iraq next month. Now I wonder if he is still going. It would be great if he stayed home and impregnated his wife instead of going to a shit-hole and getting his ass shot off. I think this calls for a cold one.

Your Baby Is An Asshole: babies under the influence

2010-07-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

Tripped over this blog while on twitter. This is right up any N.E.O. Mom's well worn alley. Pictures of cute babies in silly situations with offensive text. The best part is to click the links within each blog post, makes it even more hilarious.

Your Baby Is An Asshole: babies under the influence

Writer's Block

2010-07-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

I am experiencing a brain freeze, a writer's block. The text below is spew from my frontal lobes. I usually type this out and come back after the kids are in bed and fill it in. But I am not feeling the creative juices right now. Is it because I am old, tired, taking too much Vitamin P. ? I have a ton of stuff floating in my brain. My thoughts run just above my eyeballs like the headlines stream across the bottom of your t.v. screen when you are watching your favorite cable news show. I am just unable to filter those thoughts productively right now.

So interpret at your own risk:

Not sure what to write about anymore. waht's off limits. mykids are getting older, much closer to reading, and they have issues that they don't need to hear their mom espousing on a public blog. we went camping alone my hubs sprained his ankle. bro is coming chuck mangione. jake's clinginess. anger management facebook disneyland. bekah at the gym mike being awesome comradierie, racism, politics, tea party weight loss cooking 40th books swimming while camping step bro Val and Kristin

Summer is for Re-runs

2010-07-10T10:59:00.001-07:00

I finally made it back to my blog only to release a re-run. In my defense I gotta go bake a cake for a bbq and this particular entry makes me laugh.

My brother Bill, pictured above, found a list of, "...things women wish men knew." and he decided to add his own commentary. It's hilarious but I still had to edit some of it because it did get pretty nasty. My brother's comments are the one's labeled "dude".

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

Dude; Take what you can fucking get, if I'm saying it, it counts, unless I'm lying to you, which is gonna be a lot if you keep saying stupid shit like that.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

Dude: Just when the fuck did you become an expert on real men? You cry

during Grey's anatomy and sit when peeing, I don't give a fuck if Idrive a dumptruck and park it on your lawn or a vespa and do race tracks in your driveway, I am the judge of what a real man is, and while were on that subject your brother is a putz.

3. I will leave if you lie.

Dude. Pack your shit.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

Dude. I am never cute and never describe me as such. And what the fuck,….make up your mind do you want to date a real man or a twelve year old from some perverse little league.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

Dude. I mean honestly, what the fuck do I even say to that, keep that shit to yourself.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

Dude. I love it when you blow me after the Chargers lose.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

Dude. Remember after we spent the holidays at your mom's house and you asked me that question and I said you looked plump? Cuz I remember,the neighbors remember, I think the goddamn dog remembers. You are wrong, Fine is a wholly appropriate response.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

Dude ummmm……. Yup ditto here.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

Dude see answer to question # 3

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Dude. When did I email you?

11. I expect you to call me.

D. You also expect me to be nice to your alcoholic father and your enabling neurotic mother, I won't even go into your dipshit borrowing money putz brother, so calling you is the least of my worries but thanks for bringing it up.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

Dude. You can tell me what to wear at our wedding and any funerals I attend. Short of that just compliment me on my daring sense of style and be happy I deal with your shit.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

Dude. You go to the pisser in pre-planned groups, and the only independent chick in history I can think of was Amelia Aerhart and you see where that got her.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

Dude. You're not Katie Holmes and I'm not a Scientoligist so let's pull the reality train over and get you a ticket.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

Dude. I aint got no problem tongue whipping the Ham wallet but I would rather whack off with a hand full of broken glass then ever go shoe shopping with you again.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

Dude. Check, I will ignore you by going to Déjà vu (strip club in San Diego) until you are feeling more into it.

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.

Dude. You are using sex to get something you want they have a name for that and that name is whore.

19. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

Dude. Unless by nothing you mean G'day Mate.

20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

Dude So you have a secret sexual fantasy about the Unabomber, JesusChrist what else.

21. You should never tell me what to do.

Dude. If I didn't tell you what to do you would be sitting in your room late for work in your underwear trying to figure out how to use the goddamn alarm clock.

22. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

Dude This is the least crazy thing you have said all day.

23. . I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

Dude. I hold your hand because if I didn't you would walk straight into oncoming traffic and fucking die, that is a semi truck, the guy driving it is on crack, he will kill you, wake up.

24. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

Dude. Sssshhh be quiet there about to say the score on the Chargers game.

25. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

Dude. If I truly fuck up I will get you flowers, if the surf was really good though I will probably just get them from the grocery store.

26. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you

to recognize this.

Dude. When I first moved to Hawaii I bought a 69 ford econoline van for 300 hundred dollars, it was awesome it could fit ten surfboards, had three on the tree and a max speed of 60 mph downhill in neutral, I can honestly say it was the greatest vehicle purchase of my life. Wait what was the question again.

27. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.

Dude. you get like this for four days every month call me I'll be atDéjà vu again.

28. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

Dude. O fucking kay this is what I want you to do, write down exactly what you just said and then read it out loud to yourself. If that does not sound like absolute gibberish I will let you buy me one complete getup from urban outfitters.

29. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months,earns major bonus points.

Dude. Not going to Thailand on a cocaine fueled hooker binge should earn me major bonus points, and by the way I have no idea when my own birthday is let alone anniversaries you should probably get me a calendar.

30. I love it when you're sweaty.

Dude. But you don't like it when I have body odor, you are a fucking walking contradiction.

31. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

Dude. Fair enough.

32. I like porn.

D. You like passionate late night cinemax porn. I like Max Hardcore porn, there is a colossal difference.

33. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Dude. Strange enough that is where I keep my wallet.

34. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

Dude. I talked dirty to you and I thought you were gonna call the cops,you talked dirty to me and I couldn't stop laughing, how about we just watch that Max Hardcore I was talking about earlier.

35. I remember everything about our relationship.

Dude. All in all I'll give you that one.

36.You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Dude. You just had to end on a crazy note.

Men and My Sports Bra

2010-05-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

Being an old married hag I have to admit I live vicariously through my babysitter. Saint Sarah is young, pretty, and has way more energy and patience than I do. She is also single and 24 years old. That means I already had a driver's license when she was born.

Recently Saint Sarah was complaining about men, seriously afraid she was going to be an old maid. I tried to comfort her, telling her that true love sneaks up on you. I told her that Erik and I didn't go on an actual date until 2 years after we met and I was 33 years old when we got married.

I advised her that men are pretty much useless until they get closer to the age of 30, and even then they still need a lot of maintenance. Just wait, I told her, as I swept the room with my arm, you could have all this.........and then my 5 year old peed on her lap.

After we cleaned her up,I once again tried to comfort her. Look I went out with a younger guy once. He was 20 and I was 21 years old. One night we were supposed to go out on a date. I picked him up, took him to the liquor store and bought him a 12 pack of beer and then he broke up with me in his driveway.

I drove home to my roommate in shock. But instead of comforting me she started to laugh hysterically, "He used you to get beer!!". I joined in the laughter, she was right, this dude wasn't worth a broken heart let alone a mild annoyance, I was just killing time with him anyways.

Saint Sarah seemed to be amused by this story, and as far as I am concerned there are very few men on this planet that deserve to breathe the same oxygen that she does.

Well while we are on the subject of embarrassing moments.... I had a huge struggle at the gym earlier this week . I had a fabulous, sweaty workout, I was so proud. But while in the locker room I hit an obstacle. I peeled off my sweaty clothes, placed my glasses in a safe place and then attempted to take off my sports bra. I have been doing some lifting lately so my arms were like spaghetti and as I went to pull off my sports bra it got stuck. It got stuck on my face. I was naked, naked, naked except for a sweaty bra stuck on my face. I couldn't see and I could barely breathe. Eeeek. I decided that after one deep breath if I couldn't get that bitch off my face I would ask for help....and then I would quit this gym.

I faced the wall, counted to ten, took a deep breath and then ripped that thing off of me. Phew...

If you have any embarrassing moments you would like to share with us than please bring it!!

Make Me Laugh

2010-05-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have been dealing with some shit lately. I strive to write funny, sometimes thought-provoking, but mostly funny posts. I am drawing a blank. And I really need to laugh.

So I am going to try something new. I am going to put this linky thing at the bottom of this post and I want you to add a link to either something funny on your blog or just a link to something you find hilarious.

Go ahead, make me laugh (Clint Eastwood voice). See, I am just not funny right now only dorky.

No Excuse, Support Exists

2010-05-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

A side effect of being a mom, and especially a stay-at-home mom, is isolation. When my oldest was born I was so lucky to have an awesome neighbor whose 2nd son was born the day after my firstborn. We talked on the phone, we walked in the mornings, we traded dinners, we watched trashy reality t.v. together. I thought this whole mothering thing was a piece of cake.

Then my friend moved 2 states away. I had never felt so alone in my life. I found a mom's club and even though I eventually got kicked out because of my big mouth, I am still close friends with these women. I have known them now for 5 years and they have been a huge support.

Now I have 3 kids. Just a few months ago my oldest was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (which is basically Autism). I felt the same way that I did when my friend moved away, alone.

I cried and felt sorry for myself and drank too many beers and yelled at my kids and refused to have sex with my husband. And then I sucked it up and started looking for help.

So we all know about 9-1-1 and 4-1-1 but have you heard of 2-1-1? This number is somewhere in between 9-1-1 and 4-1-1, if you aren't having a full blown emergency but need more info than a phone number, than 2-1-1 is for you. Crisis intervention, family counseling, parenting classes etc. Free of charge.

Through them I was able to find out about CARE Parent Network. They hooked me up with another mom who has a son with ADHD and a son with Autism!!! That's better service than an online dating website, and it's free. This mom called me before mother's day when I just happened to be wine-tasting in Napa. I told her I couldn't talk at the moment and she said she was extremely jealous. But she called me back this evening, and Erik had taken the kids to the gym, so I was actually able to talk on the phone. We talked for an hour. We had a lot in common.

This hour long conversation was informative, but mostly therapeutic. The kind of phone call where you are scrambling for a pen to write down what she has to say, but where you also can just take comfort that somebody has walked a mile in your shoes. And she is still standing.

I am not the only parent in this family, I am not a single mom and Lord above I never want to be! So on my husband's day off I am dragging him to a Saturday full of parenting classes. Classes for parents of children with special needs; that's us.

After my firstborn got kicked out of his second preschool I found the ever so amazing School Of Imagination. My friends always tell me that I should be their spokesperson because I praise them so often. I can't help my enthusiasm, I love this school. Your kid could be as difficult as you can imagine, and they will nurture and bring out the best. School of Imagination also offers parenting seminars and other community outreach projects. One of these seminars are what we will be attending on Saturday.

A dear friend of mine, Danica, accused me of being so blue lately. Meaning my blog posts haven't been light hearted and funny. I agree. I have been dealing with some shit, I want perfection for my kids. And Danica isn't shallow by any means! I know she just turns to my blog for humor to get her through the day.
:
Here is a joke just for Danica: What's the difference between a heterosexual woman and a bisexual woman?

4 drinks.

The Ugly Voice

2010-05-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I do not want pity or praise. I just want you to read this and comment. I want a yes or no answer, and/or feedback.

I am writing this because after almost 40 years on the planet I have finally realized I am not that unique. I do not have experiences or thoughts that are singularly mine. So I just want to know if this happens to you?

Every time I go to the gym I encounter major resistance.....from myself. And when I am on a roll I go to the gym 4 days a week. But the whole time I am getting ready, the whole way there and the whole damn time I am working out, there is an ugly voice in my head. I have to ignore and fight this voice, and she is a bitch!! This is what she says:

"Why are you going to the gym when you should be cleaning your house?"
"Too bad you don't have cuter work-out clothes."
"You should pack healthier snacks for your kids."
"Why bother going to the gym you barely have enough time to work-out?"
"You should shower before you go because you smell/your hair is frizzy/your face is oily."
Once I am at the gym she gets really mean:
"Stop running you are sweating/jiggling/your stomach is showing/you have camel toe."
"You can only run 6 miles per hour? That's pathetic."
"Oh great there is that super skinny chick who has more kids than you do."
"Why are you doing sit-ups when your favorite beverage is beer?"
"Do you think that doing sit-ups is really going to get rid of the flabby tummy and stretch-marks?"
"Lifting weights is not going to hide the fact that you have breastfed 3 kids."
"Your husband is working his ass off and you are in the hot tub reading a book....just because it's a parenting book doesn't make it better."
"Quit the gym and save the cash for a makeover."
"Well at least you don't weigh 300 pounds like that woman over there."

And she doesn't shut her trap until I am actually in the shower. Once the endorphins kick in from the exercise she finally shuts the fuck up. The gym is not the only place she shows up to talk shit to me, but that's the only place where she has a megaphone.

Does this happen to anybody else?

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Since I am a mommy blogger I am obligated to write something on Mother's Day.

I celebrated on Friday by going wine-tasting with my N.E.O. Mom friends in Napa. That was awesome!

Saturday my 4 year old daughter and 5 year old son had dance recitals. That was awesome!

Today, Mother's Day, not so awesome.

My husband has been oncall all weekend, I have barely seen him. My kids were beastly today and it was pouring rain, trapping us inside. I could have gone to the gym but the time I got my act together the daycare was closed. They closed early for Mother's Day.

I dragged everyone to the grocery store, during the brief time Erik was home, so we could have some together time and get out of the house. A husband is almost as bad at the grocery store as 3 kids.

I planned to make an amazing dinner, because I love to cook. But Erik got called back to the hospital, so I cancelled it.

I let the kids play in the mud once it stopped raining, bathed them and put them to bed. Bekah was inconsolable, crying for her father. I ran out of patience. Now I feel like shit for yelling at her and want to wake her up and apologize.

But this Mother's Day is still marginally better than the Mother's Day we took the kids to Hooters for dinner.

Happy Mother's Day.

Spring Numbers

2010-05-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

For the new readers of this blog I would like to inform you that every year I take pictures of my kids when their ages run concurrently. Since my oldest 2 are 17 months apart and my youngest 2 are 15 months apart, every spring they are very close in age, until my oldest's birthday in June. This year I am the proud owner of a 3,4 and 5 year old.

I used to do this big production where I cut out pieces of cardboard in the shapes of their ages and covered them with wrapping paper. I started off having them hold them, but then found it was easier to tape them to the wall above their heads.

This year I got almost no cooperation from them at all.

At first Mike completely refused, then Bekah and then Jake. This may be my last year doing this. I know the grandparents will be very disappointed.

Their tshirts say "I'm 3/4/5 what's your excuse?" My plan was for them to line up against the wall so you could read their tshirts. Whatever.

Summer Camps 2010

2010-05-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

After picking up my 2 oldest kids from school, I informed them of all the wonderful camps and activities I spent the whole morning signing them up for. My 5 year old proceeded to give me an alternate list of camps that he would prefer to attend. All the way home from school he cracked himself up with these perfect camps:

Fart Camp
No Underwear Allowed Camp
Killing Sharks with Nerf Guns Camp
Weirdo Camp
Butt Camp (just in case you didn't get enough of Fart Camp), and
Wrestling With No Shirts On Camp

Sigh...........

A Writing Exercise

2010-04-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

Once again I have landed myself in the hospital. Long story short; I tripped, fell on my face, the scrapes became infected with cellulitis and here I am getting I.V. antibiotics.

To keep myself from begging the nurses for narcotics I have decided to choose a writing exercise. I like this one:
"List five products your father used, or uses, and write a longer piece about, at least, one of them. "

1) Swisher Sweets Cigars, that came in that red carboard box.

2) McDonald's Playland.

3)Brut Cologne

4) Polaroid Camera

5) Morton's Salt and Pepper shaker

I was born in 1970 and my brother was born in 1973. My mother and father got a divorce when I was just barely three years old. This action made my father a swinging single Dad, smack dab right in the middle of the Seventies.We spent every other weekend in his lackadaisical custody and his nappy headed daughter and snot-nosed son never slowed his MILF(mothers I like to F) hunting prowress. In fact it only greatly honed his skills. We were used as bait.

My Dad would pick us up on a Friday night with a Swisher Sweet Cigar lodged in his mouth. Rarely smoked, just chomped upon. And thank G-d for that because when lit they smelled anything but sweet, gag. Once those extra large cigar boxes were emptied of cheap cigars they were filled with fishing gear, nails and paperclips, and change for the Benicia toll bridge, these littered the floor of his truck. In his home the boxes were used to store pictures and receipts.

But I digress, when it was his weekend, he promptly picked us up and took us out to a fine Scottish dining establishment. McDonald's. But it had to have an outdoor Playland.

Once we parked his truck, with ladder on top, in the parking lot he would spit out his cigar and splash on some Brut cologne. Another completely offensive, yet comforting odor, from my childhood. I asked my Dad once how Brut cologne was made. My father told me that it came from a special gnat's armpits in Europe.

For years this answer haunted me. Many a sleepless night I wondered how they extracted this exotic pheromone from a gnat's armpit. Did the cologne lab technicians put the tiny gnat on a crucifix with I.V. needles and tubing sticking out of his armpits, draining away the precious scent? Or did they just catch the gnats with a very fine net, ground them with a mortar and pestle and then use a sieve to extract all liquids? Was the special armpit scent so strong that it overpowered the other liquified body parts, or did they have to extract only that particular fluid? And if it was so labor intensive to gather this manly scent then why was it so cheap?

Anyways, we would get our Happy Meals and eat at the picnic tables in the McDonald's Playland. My Dad would generously sprinkle his french fries with the Morton's salt he kept in the glove compartment of his truck.

After eating our food Billy and I would take off to play and my Dad would start prowling. McDonald's was an excellent place for single Moms to take their kids after work on a Friday night. My Dad was pure genius for figuring this out, because he was usually the only single Dad there. My Dad would approach his victim and put his foot up on the bench where she was seated and then lean on his knee and start chatting her up. If she shot him down, or seemed disinterested, my Dad would just move onto the next single mom. He was shameless! The next victim could be sitting less than 2 feet away but that did not deter him.

By the time me and Bill were started to get bored or tired my Dad would have at least one set of digits from a fine young mom. And the topper? He would take a polaroid picture. Two polaroid pictures. One of the cute mom and her kids which he would give to her and then one of all of us (he would use the timer setting) and he would keep that one. When we were back in the truck my father would write her name, the names of her kids and her phone number on the back of the polaroid for future reference.
Genius.

If she was lucky he would call her up for a date on a weekend when he was missing the company of his kids.

Facebook Politics

2010-04-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's Easter morning. My dear husband let me sleep in and then he took my place in bed when I got up. I staggered downstairs for some coffee. Checked on the monkeys who were doing various monkey activities and then I sat down with my laptop.

My Aunt Kitty posted something about Sarah Palin in her Facebook status. Palin is speaking at CSUS (Stanislaus) at $5oo. a head. You wanna get my panties in a bunch? Just mention Sarah Palin. And I am not the only one who feels that way, because Aunt Kitty's friends started chiming in about what an idiot Palin is. But then my dear sweet Uncle Ron (Kitty's brother), is a conservative (my label, not his) and starts to relate a different point of view. And in his defense, makes an excellent point that we are attacking her on her personal views and not her political actions.

This was a great mental exercise for me, to remind me why I don't support Palin, that's it's not just because her voice makes me want to stick ice picks in my ears. And since I spent 30 minutes organizing my thoughts, I realized I had better put my mini-article on my blog. It took me 30 minutes instead of 5, because as soon as my kids get a whiff of me actually concentrating on something, they descend from the ceiling to harass me!

I had to bribe them with cookies at 9:30am, so I wouldn't sound like a shrill, pissed off, brainless liberal.I explained why I don't support Palin, but I also put some issues where I agree with her because I try to be fair. I mentioned Harry Belafonte, because he was also a guest speaker at Stanislaus State and that dude is even too liberal for me. Below is what I wrote on my Aunt's profile page:

"I am an idiot, but I don't put it out there and try to run for political office. I try to keep my idiocy to myself, and I don't always suceed at that.

I also do not like Harry Belafonte, America should not be like any country but America, we are the best.

As for political views, I have to say Palin is the most consistent on fiscal responsibility, except charging rape victims for their rape kits is repulsive. How would you like to get that bill in your mail?

Areas I agree on with Palin (and it makes me nauseous to admit this in public): fiscal responsibility, she's tough on crime, and has a mostly open mind on education (except for creationism). She supports automatic death penalty for child murderers, I can't argue with that. And I know everyone thinks I am a crazy liberal but I believe in the right to bear arms and eco-responsible hunting. You kill it you eat it, and you better make a jacket too. Sarah shoots wolves from a helicopter, that's effed up.

On social issues I am the polar opposite of her. I am unapologetically pro-choice,and pro-gay marriage. I dont' even understand how you can argue that evolution and global warming are anything but fact. And for goodness sake if my teenage daughter turned up pregnant, I would take myself out of the public spotlight. Sarah or her husband should have quit their job and reformed their family structure. Not drag their kids and newborn special needs son around the country.

Sorry Aunt Kitty for blowing up your profile."

So what is your family doing this fine Easter morning?

World Autism Awareness Day

2010-04-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

In the last year both of my sons have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders. ADHD and PDD are both on the spectrum. Please go to this link because I need to haul my flabby ass onto the treadmill at my gym. Even though I would love to sit here and explain it to you myself, skip the work-out and eat cookies, I just shouldn't.

Anyways, as I was saying. It's been a challenging year, and Hell it's only April 2nd!! My dear boys are receiving the help they need, and my family has access to amazing resources. Not all families are as fortunate.

April 2nd 2010, that is today, is World Autism Awareness Day . Now that you know this all you need to do is wear blue. That's it.

Dig out your favorite blue jeans and remember 1 out of 110 kids have an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It's also my husband's 40th birthday so buy him a beer next time you see him.

Happy Easter to all that do the bunny/Jesus thing and I hope everyone had a nice Passover.

Bad Genes

2010-03-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have sat on my ass, wasting time for 2 hours this morning! I kept my sweet 4 year old home from school for one more day to make sure she is 100% healthy, and she is entertaining herself. I could have done a lot of stuff in 2 hours instead of watching Max and Ruby with her, and screwing around on the Internet. But I am really, really anxious.

My dear, sweet, responsible husband, and I, have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician today. We are seeing her to come up with a plan of action in regards to our 5 year old's atrocious school behavior. And I feel like I am in trouble. I feel like I am being called to the Principal's office. And trust me I know exactly what that feels like.

I know because in first grade I got sent to the Principal's office for running away from school (and conning a friend to join me) because the teacher made me write lines. The lines were, "I will be quiet in class". Instead I wrote, "I will not shut-up in class" and then at recess me and Heather snuck off when the yard duty wasn't looking. It was really bad because they thought we had been kidnapped. That is the one and only time I have actually seen a person's face turn purple. The principal was a substitutePrincipal and he was sooo mad. As an adult I realize now what I put everyone through.

In the second grade I got sent to the Principal's office for refusing to pledge allegiance to the flag because of the phrase "under G-d". There is supposed to be a separation of church and state in America. I am still right on that one. I love G-d, and our flag, and I get goosebumps when I hear our anthem sung. I just get a bad feeling when we combine patriotism and religion. My mom was really embarrassed.

In the third grade they started the state testing (here in California) that our kids are tortured with now. And it was a big deal, just as it is now. When it came to gender, mark male or female, I made my own bubble, wrote the word "Other" next to it and filled it in. In my defense that wasn't my idea. Another girl dared me to do it, and I just can't resist a dare. Holy Crap that principal was mad. But he didn't call my mom. I came home and told my mom as a preemptive strike, and she laughed, and said, "I am so glad he didn't' call me and tell me that over the phone because I would have just laughed.". Phew, what a relief.

Remember in grade school when they would make you chew those red tablets that would stain the plaque on your teeth, to show you where you weren't not brushing adequately? I refused to do that. My reasoning being that my parents tax money could be better spent on academics, instead of wasting time picking up other parents slack when it comes to their children's poor dental hygiene. That teacher lasted one year at that school. That was 4th grade.

I could go on and on and on. But I need to shower and find an outfit that makes me look like a concerned parent. The point I am trying to make by sharing these anecdotes is I know exactly where my oldest child's behavior comes from. But if you ask me I just say, "He's exactly like my brother Bill.".

Sorry Mom.

My Take on American Idol

2010-03-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to comment on American Idol but my husband is doing work. And when I spout off about American Idol on Facebook people unfriend me.

The first singer was that teen-aged girl that sang Kelly Clarkson. Torture!! Boringggg. This is when I miss Paula, because then she would say, "But you look pretty.".

I love that Siobhan chick!! She is the one who sang House of the Rising Sun because that's her Dad's favorite song. I thought she did an awesome job! And then Simon ripped on her. Who pissed in his Cheerios?

That one chick is trying too hard to look like Pat Benatar. Her hair bugs me and I thought she was a snooze fest. But the judges liked her so what the fuck do I know?

That chick with the really cool blond, curly hair sang Carole King and she sang it too fast. I like her too, I don't want her to fail.

I hope I don't have to repeat this every week, but if you are going to sing Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar, Heart etc. don't fuck it up. Just don't. The judges loved that weepy girl who sang Rhiannon (one of my favorite songs in the universe) and I thought it was too shrieky.

I liked the girl named Kaitlyn mostly because I have a niece named Kaitlyn. But the song she chose was just too old for her. She needs to sing something bubbly. The judges agreed with me but they really didn't need to tear her a new asshole on live television............that was kind of harsh.

Siobhan and dread locked single mom are my favorite contestants this year. She sang Tracy Chapman tonight, which is a no-brainer perfect song for her. I thought for sure Simon was going to say that was a "too safe" song choice but he didn't!!

I am into mandolins and banjos and all that but I thought that frosted hair wanna be Blondie sucked! But the judges loved her too! I guess I just couldn't get the original "I Fall to Pieces" out of my head.

Tomorrow night are the men and they are no Adam Lamberts. The only guy I like was the Hispanic guy with the tattoo on his neck. He didn't go home did he? I can't even remember what happened last week. Shit if my short-term memory is this bad at 39, what am I going to be like when I am 89?

Oh nevermind, Erik looked it up for me and that guy is still on the show and so is the guy who should never wear a shirt. We are so nerdy sitting here with our dueling laptops.

Pure Randomness

2010-03-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

I have no particular subject to write about at this moment. My blogging/writing/creativity is suffering because I am no longer breastfeeding and my kids don't nap. When I first started blogging I would create blog posts in my head while breastfeeding, and then type them out during nap times. Those segments of "leisure" time no longer exist and now my brain is constantly preoccupied with monkey activities, or planning monkey activities. When I sit at my computer now I just play Farmville or some other time-waster on Facebook. Or I harass evil conservatives on Twitter or annoy the shit out of my mom friends by sending out stupid emails. Or I make up radio stations on Pandora, and then delete them later on.

I usually think of something brilliant to write just as I am falling asleep but when the morning rolls around I have already forgotten what it was. Now that my kids mostly sleep through the night, I don't remember those thoughts at 3am, because I roll-over and go back to sleep, or pee and then go back to sleep, or elbow my husband in the ribs to make him stop snoring and then go back to sleep. Instead of getting up to nurse, change a diaper, eat a bowl of cereal etc. etc.

I am not completely ready to give up blogging though. Not yet. I do have some random stuff in my head to share.

Remember that big ass earthquake that just happened in Chile? I had the news on that morning while my Dad was visiting and we were discussing it before my father slaughtered me at Scrabble. 3 days later I was driving in the van with the monkeys and Mike pipes up, "Mom where is your salami?"
"Salami?!"
"Yes, your salami, when is it going to come to San Ramon?"
"Salami?!! Mike what are you talking about?!!"
"Mom the big wave!! When is it going to hit us?"
I started to laugh so hard I swerved, and almost hit the center divider on San Ramon Valley Blvd.
"Honey that is a Tsunami, not a salami!"

Today Mike proclaimed that he is the master of all farts. I took a deep breath and composed a poker face and told him that was inappropriate. But seriously since Mike lives off of Dino nuggets and fruit he really is the master of all farts, so it was hard not to laugh. I just marvel at what his brain comes up with.

My youngest is thriving in speech therapy. In just a short time he went from gibberish and grunts to short sentences, and he is much easier to understand. The only quandary is that now he can ask for stuff and it's so wonderful to hear him talk that you just want to give it to him. Unfortunately he has learned how to ask for cookies, cupcakes, candy, or to go outside when it's raining etc. and it just breaks my heart to have to say no. I know how hard he works to communicate, and it is such a joy to hear his cute voice, but of course I still have to set the same rules with him as I do with Mike and Bekah. But shhhh, sometimes I do sneak him candy from my PMS stash.

Speaking of Jake his speech delay is significant enough to require special education preschool. I know it's what he needs but no parent wants to have their child need special education. I am just praying he will catch up with his peers by Kindergarten. And yes even though I am a dirty hippie Liberal, I pray. How can you be a mother and not pray? Even moms who are atheists pray, and if they say they don't pray, they are lying through their teeth!

So here is something that makes me angry..........how come nobody told me how sassy and bossy 4 year old girls can be?! When Mike turned 4 he went from a satanic 3 year to a really sweet 4 year old. I expected my daughter to do the same. But noooooo, she went from oppositional-defiant 3 year old to back-talking tyrant 4 year old. And I am actually kind of angry at my mom friends for not warning me. I know that sounds irrational, but damn what's the point of being in a mom's club and going outside of my comfort zone to make new friends if you all aren't willing to throw me a bone when it comes to new milestones. I am mostly kidding. I should know by now that every day, is a new day, when you are a parent. Just when you get used to a certain behavior their little brains and bodies go through a growth spurt and leave your aging ass, and brain, behind in the dust.

For example, I served my hazel eyed monster her breakfast the other morning and she actually said, "This is not what I ordered" and pushed her plate away. You know in cartoons when the person is so angry their face turns bright red and steam comes of their ears? That was me!
"Ordered?!! I am not a waitress!"

And that is not an insult to waitresses, because I am not smart enough to be a waitress. I would take somebody's order and get lost on the way to the kitchen, and then when I find the kitchen, I would forget the order. But I didn't take Bekah's "order" back to the kitchen. I remembered something I heard on Dr. Laura (OK her views on morals and politics don't mesh with mine but she occasionally has useful advice), when you feel like screaming, just sing. So I sang a lovely song to Bekah about how she had better eat her toast or she will be really hungry and cranky at school because I am not making anything else. Holy shit, it worked.

I have tried the singing instead of screaming a few more times with success. Only once has it backfired and Mike decided to sing a song back to me about how his mom is so stupid and mean and never lets him do anything fun. Which immediately made me scream for him to go on a time-out and I "forgot" about him for 15 minutes. I wonder what Dr. Laura would think about that?

Right now I am at the gym. I was just going to sit down and write something really quick and then work-out and shower and then watch Mike's Hip Hop class. It's the highlight of my week. A group of 5-8 year old boys doing Hip Hop. Freaking hilarious! One kid actually did the caterpillar. I have never seen a sober person do that outside of a bar. Well I got the writing down but now I have been summoned by the childcare staff to come get Bekah because she is refusing to go on a time-out, and kicked a teacher. Nice. I need to think of a song about how you should not abuse child care staff because we pay a lot of money to belong to this gym. Anyways........

P.S. I picked Bekah up from the daycare at our gym and I was furious. She had refused to go on a time-out for disobeying the staff and then proceeded to kick the staff. And as soon as Jake saw me then I had to pick him up as well because he started crying. We went for a walk to the van to put my gym bag away and I told Bekah she had better go back and apologize to her "teacher" or she will get no tv when we get home and no dance class tomorrow. That worked.

Cruise 2010

2010-02-25T16:31:00.000-08:00

I could have easily stayed another week on that cruise. Or just a week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. For those that haven't read my blog in awhile my husband and I took our 3 monkeys on a 7 day cruise to Mexico. If you are feeling jealous, don't waste your time. We earned this vacation.

2 weeks before we left my kids had colds, and ear infections, my 33 year old brother got a blood clot in each lung, my mom had her appendix removed and 4 days before we were to leave on our cruise all 3 kids started on antibiotics for Scarlet Fever!!!! And then Erik got a sore throat on the cruise but my husband toughed it out.

The next 4 pictures are of me and our monkeys in the dining room. The food is a step above hotel food but that didn't stop me from making a complete pig of myself.

Erik and I were able to steal some time alone due to Camp Carnival. They have a program for 2-5 year olds so my kids were all together. Mike is 5.5 years old so he thought he was way too mature for the babies. We were met with some resistance from him but he got over it after making some new friends. Bekah loved the program and Jake is a mama's boy but he still managed to have fun as well.

One night was "Prince and Princesses" night and involved some face-painting. You gotta love Mike's moustache. I see future employment at Burger King.

Lot's of cute cuddling going on. The reason you don't see Bekah in her cute dress and make-up is because she was busy peeing all over it. Bekah was deathly afraid of the toilets on the cruise and had 4 accidents. We finally had to bribe her with candy to go poo. I was deathly afraid she was going to have a poo accident and you know who would end up cleaning that up.

Miniature golf on the cruise was fun! The kids loved it!

Bekah insisted that Erik hug this parrot good-bye. And our game did end abruptly when Jake decided to steal balls from other families to throw.

I am really glad there was activities like this on the ship because Puerto Vallarta was cold and rainy and even Mazatlan wasn't that nice, weather or scenery. In P.V. Erik and I checked the kids into Camp Carnival and got off the boat only to visit Wal-Mart. We needed a few supplies and it was pretty exciting considering I am way too liberal to shop at Wal-Mart when I am home. Luckily there are shows, a balloon guy, an arcade, trivia games, Scattergories, a library where you can take the kids to go color and do puzzles or play cards on the ship. Then of course the Camp Carnival is great so you can drop off the kids and you and your beloved can have privacy and get your drink and gamble on.

I won $800 on the slot machines!!!!!! I basically paid for half of my personal bar tab.

Here is a picture of our ship The Splendor from the beach in Cabo San Lucas. See how big that ship is? Well the rain was so bad in Mazatlan that visibility was down to zero and our ship hit a pleasure sail boat. Doh!! The Captain didn't even inform us of this collision until 12 hours later and they never did tell us what happened to the other boat. During the collision the water from the pools, hot tubs and the standing rain water sloshed around and flooded the elevators, breaking them for the whole day. The ship listed portside for the whole day. So when you took a shower all the water flooded the bathroom instead of going down the drain. Pretty crazy huh?

Cabo was absolute paradise. The weather was perfect and the ocean water was warm. We took the monkeys to the resort where Erik and I honey-mooned. They let us use their pool, towels and facilites if we bought food and drinks. Which was $20. And for $20 we got 2 Pina Coladas, 2 beers, 3 Sprites, chips and salsa.

After we got sick of saying, "No Gracias", to all of the beach vendors we moved to the resort's beautiful pool. We met some families with kids our age and who had them close together too, so they didn't think we were freaks.

Bekah is 4 years old now and 4 year old girls are so damn bossy and sassy!!! Mike was never this bossy or sassy. See her stance below? You know she is just giving her father some lip. Within 10 minutes of meeting these 2 other girls at the pool she was bossing them around like crazy. And they took it. And one girl was a year older than her.

Look how cute he is!

That pool was soooo warm!

We stopped for a family photo since this was the resort where Mike was most likely conceived. Mike named this statue behind us King Butt.

It's funny how sometimes just the littlest things can make a person so happy. Every night when the staff turned down our beds they made animals out of towels. I loved this towel monkey since I nicknamed my kids monkeys.

My favorite thing on the cruise was gambling and dropping the kids off at Camp Carnival. Mike's favorite thing was the arcade, the desserts and ordering room service. Bekah loved Camp Carnival, the towel animals and going to the library to color. Jake liked the copious amounts of food and the elevators. Erik just liked not being at work.

Coming home from vacation and going back to work is always hard but this week seems even more depressing. I really need another week!

Back In Black

2010-02-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

My glorious husband bought me a new laptop!!! Actually I got it last week but then my best friend, and sister-in-law, Auntie M's computer died. So of course I let her borrow my new baby. She is working on her Masters and, well, I am just working on a silly blog and trying to annoy friends and family on Facebook.

Now I can blog and annoy to my heart's content! Especially since I have decided to quarantine my family for the next week! Jake was sent home sick from preschool today and we are leaving for a cruise on Valentine's Day. I need healthy kids and a healthy me. This time of year is just ridiculous, last week we had ear infections and I had some mild virus and now Jake is coughing his brains out. But next week at this time I will be laying out by the pool so I am keeping my eyes on the prize.

During My absence

2010-01-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

So much for the weeks of Weight Watchers menus. I had the best of intentions but life came along and kicked me in the balls and I really didn't feel like blogging at all.

The week of MLK my youngest brother got a blood clot in each lung and landed himself in the hospital for almost a week. He is only 33 years old so it was a huge shock. He is at home resting now and hopefully healing fully.

That same week my laptop left this world for a better place. It had taken too much abuse and refused to work any longer under such heinous conditions. I have a new one coming in a few weeks so in the meantime I am on Erik's old laptop. This one has a messed up letter "P" key which you have to push really hard, so for the rest of this email just ut in a "P" where you think one should go. It's really hurting my inkie finger having to ress it so hard.

Another thing that has been reventing me from blogging is that my kids no longer na. They still do quiet time but it's not that quiet. They want me to read them stories, feed them snacks, change the t.v. channel, and lay games. I also have to hel my 5 year old with homework and mediate fights and kee Jake from causing roerty damage.

Jake is another reason I haven't felt like writing. Long story short, we knew as arents that Jake has a seech delay. We had him assessed and it turns out he may have some other delays as well. Fairly significant delays. I got this news a few days before Xmas and it was a kick in the balls for sure. We immediately enrolled him in seech theray and he is excelling. We also enrolled him in a class called Infant Devlopment Program at the same school his siblings attend. It's very intense and structured and he is doing very well there. Jake has no diagnosis yet and is scheduled for a sychological evaluation in March. Wish us luck.

My oldest son Mike is also scheduled for an aointment with a delomental ediatrician in March. I just breed quirky boys. Wish us luck for that one too.

I have realized now that my goal as a mother is to get my kids through high school, emloyed and living on their own. I just want them to be indeendent and self-sufficient. Anything else is gravy. College, healthy marriages, glorious grandchildren etc. is all gravy. I am just focusing on the fact that my kids are healthy and absolutely gorgeous and if they do become suer stars then I will burst with joy. My goal for Bekah was to cure cancer and Mike and Jake are to be outrageously wealthy rofessional athletes. That could still haen.

And what about Bekah you ask? She's fine. Sassy and bossy but that's comletely normal. And I am being esecially nice to her because I realize she will be the one taking care of me when I am old.

I feel better getting those events out there in the oen. Thanks for listening. Maybe my writer's block is over now that I have gotten those heavy things off my chest.

I am all about hay endings so here's what has been keeing me from going over the edge: WE ARE GOING ON A 7 DAY CRUISE AND LEAVING ON VALENTINE'S DAY! I can't fucking wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that I am still chubby from the holidays. If you are good while I am gone I will take a icture of my tits in a bathing suit and ost it here for you to enjoy.

Weekly Weight Watchers Menus Week #3

2010-01-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

This all I have for this week.

Martin Luther King Monday

Breakfast= 1/2 cup cooked oatmeal, with 2 Tbs. raisins and 1 tsp. brown sugar= 3pts.

Lunch= Egg Salad Sandwich: 1 chopped hard-boiled egg, 1/4 cup chopped celery and minced onion and 1 Tbs. light Mayo between 2 slices of wheat bread and as much lettuce as you want=5 pts.

Dinner= Courage Chicken Salad

It's actually a Curried Chicken Salad but in honor of MLK Day we shall call it Courage Chicken Salad. May he rest in peace.

Veggie Sunday

Breakfast= Light yogurt any flavor= 3pts.

Lunch=1 can Minestrone soup= 2pts., 2 tsp. Parmesan cheese= 1pt., Salad with 2 Tbs. FF Italian dressing=0 pts.

Polenta with Spicy Tomato-Basil Sauce 8 pts.

Adapted from Bon Appetit

Ingredients
8 cups water
5 tablespoons (or more) olive oil, divided
2 teaspoons salt
2 cups polenta (coarse cornmeal)
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Spicy Tomato-Basil Sauce (recipe follows)
Fresh basil sprigs (for garnish; optional)

Preheat oven to 350°F. Place 15x10x2-inch glass baking dish on rimmed baking sheet. Combine 8 cups water, 3 tablespoons olive oil, and 2 teaspoons salt in dish. Gradually mix in polenta.
Place baking sheet with polenta in oven. Bake polenta 1 hour. Add pepper and stir to blend. Bake 20 minutes. Stir again and spread evenly. Bake until polenta is very thick, about 20 minutes longer. Cool polenta to room temperature, 1 to 2 hours (polenta will become firm). Using metal spatula, press polenta all over to even thickness. DO AHEAD Can be made 2 days ahead. Cover with plastic wrap; chill.

Preheat oven to 325°F. Cut polenta lengthwise into 4 strips. Cut each strip crosswise into 6 squares. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Working in batches, add polenta squares. Sauté until crisp and beginning to color, about 8 minutes per side. Transfer polenta to small baking sheet; place in oven to keep warm. Repeat with remaining polenta, adding oil to skillet as needed.
Divide polenta among plates. Top with warm Spicy Tomato-Basil Sauce. Garnish with fresh basil sprigs, if desired. 8 servings.

Spicy Tomato-Basil Sauce

Ingredients
4 1/2 cups canned crushed tomatoes with added puree (from two 28-ounce cans),
4 1/2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
3/4 cup finely chopped onion
4 large garlic cloves, minced
3/8 teaspoon (or more) dried crushed red pepper
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh basil, divided
1/3 cup dry white wine
1 teaspoon dried oregano
Freshly ground black pepper
Preparation

Heat oil in heavy large pot over medium-low heat. Add onion, garlic, and 3/8 teaspoon dried crushed red pepper. Sauté until onion is soft, about 5 minutes. Add crushed tomatoes, 2 tablespoons chopped basil, wine, and oregano. Simmer sauce until flavors blend, 5 to 6 minutes. Season to taste with salt, pepper, and more dried crushed red pepper, if desired. DO AHEAD Can be made 1 day ahead. Cool, cover, and chill.

2009 Year in Review, for the Not Easily Offended Part 2

2010-01-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

March 2009

*I posted a few Weight Watchers recipes.

*I came clean about the post-partum depression I had after weaning Jake.

*I wrote a lot of shit about American Idol and the only reason I am going to watch American Idol this year is because Ellen Degeneres will be a judge. I think that is Fox's apology to gay people for Adam Lambert not winning last season.

* I wrote a post about Recession Proof Jobs in March of 2009 and made a comment about giving my husband a well-earned blow job. Months later his 83 year old grandmother told me she read that and couldn't sleep that whole night. I was/am mortified.

* I received the most comments I have ever received after I grumbled about kids on leashes.

*Four Oakland, Ca. police officers were shot down by an asshole felon.

April 2009

*My brother and his wife came to visit and brought Swine Flu with them. OK, actually I don't know if it was really swine flu but we all got really sick after they left. Everyone had it including the grandparents, it was brutal.

*But the visit overall was awesome and we had a great time!! And it was nice that he came home alive from Iraq.

*Sandra Cantu and Melissa Huckaby, tragic.

* I got published again on an online newspaper.

* I got on CBS 5 Eye On Blogs

I am going to have to finish this later.

2009 Year in Review, for the Not Easily Offended

2009-12-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

January 2009

*I hosted a kid-friendly New Year's brunch where we counted down to Noon instead of Midnight.

*My father-in-law turned 60 and a mess of in-laws came to town.

* I hosted over 50 people here for Super Bowl.

*The United States, in a moment of clarity, voted out the worst President we have ever had.

*The United States elected our first black man for President.

*I started this resolution of posting weekly less than 30 minutes Weight Watchers recipes. I lost interest in that though.

*Jake couldn't find his pacifier so he sucked on a dirty sock instead and feel asleep in his car seat.

Febuary 2009

*Jake becomes obsessed with wearing rain boots and biting. At one point he bit me on my ass and bit Erik's nuts. Ouch!!

*A blog post I wrote about Chandra Levy was published in an online newspaper.

*Everyone got the stomach bug and I ended up in the E.R. getting I.V. fluids. Jake also got a double ear infection and croup. Nobody was healthy for about 6 weeks, it sucked!!!!

*Since our Valentine's Day was spent cleaning up barf, Erik and I had a Valentine's Day date on President's Day weekend. Massages and dinner, very nice.

*I wrote a really nice post about my sister-in-law Auntie M. for her birthday. I love her.

*That crazy bitch Nadya Suleman gives birth to octuplets.

Ok these are just the first 2 months because I need to drag my fat butt to the gym. I will finish this up during the course of the next week. Erik is oncall New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Jan. 2nd and Jan. 3rd, so I will have time to write.

Auntie M.'s Packing Fudge

2009-12-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

Ok not really but I just love to good naturedly harass her. This fudge is amazing! Even though I love chocolate I don't particularly like fudge. But this fudge was amazing! And it had walnuts in it and I don't even like walnuts and I still ate it.

Next....FUDGE*

One bag of chocolate chips
3/4 bag of Butterscotch chips
One can of Sweetened Condensed Milk
One teaspoon of Vanilla
Walnuts or currants as desired...really whatever you want to add

Grease a casserole dish- sometimes I put it in a jello mold to make it into a wreath shape

Heat up the pot over low heat
Add chocolate chips, butterscotch, and sweetened milk
Mix together until melted and blended
Add vanilla and whatever else you want to such as walnuts
Pour right away into greased dish- will start to set immediately. Chill in fridge or in the freezer.
*Recipe written by Auntie M.

Auntie M.'s Chinese/Aisan Chicken Salad

2009-12-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

Chinese (ish) Chicken Salad*

Top Ramen noodles- 1 package crunched up
Spanish Peanuts- approx. 1 cup
green onions chopped
Red Bell Pepper- choppped
Cole Slaw Salad- precut in the package
Italian dressing
Chicken- I buy the chicken that is already grilled and cut. You could grill it yourself and then cut it when cool. Probably tastes better, but sometimes I am not that motivated. Make sure you cut into bite sized pieces.

Add all of the dry ingredients and then mix with Italian dressing. Sounds weird, but is always a hit.

*All of the above has been written by Auntie M. and we are grateful.

**Let's see if Auntie M. notices the tags

Grandma Estelle's Brisket

2009-12-26T18:49:00.000-08:00

Grandma Estelle is my husband and Auntie M.'s grandmother. This is the recipe for her rockin' brisket. This is super easy, I promise:

1 packet onion soup mix (Safeway brand uses no MSG)
1 14 oz. can whole berry cranberry sauce
1 cup ketchup
1 can cola (coke or Pepsi and last night I used diet Dr. Pepper because that's all I had)
4-6 lb.beef brisket
A crock-pot with a 4,6,8 or 10 hour setting, the low or high settings just don't cut it.

**The night before cooking, shove brisket into pot, sprinkle onion soup mix all over the top. Open can of cranberry and dump on top. Measure out cup of ketchup and pour on top of brisket. Open can of soda and pour all over everything. Put just the ceramic pot insert into fridge overnight. In the morning pop ceramic pot insert back into crock pot element and set for 10 hours. Walk away. Go to work and flip the brisket when you get home from work. Or flip it every 4 hours or so. Whatever is convenient.

You can serve it right from the pot onto a plate or you can take out the brisket and let the gravy bubble some more in the crockpot and try to slice the brisket. But by this point the brisket is falling apart and doesn't really slice all pretty but still tastes awesome.

Last night I made a 4.5 lb. brisket for 10 adults 15 kids and there were leftovers.

**You can do this right before you cook it. The brisket does not need to marinade. But I am not a morning person and if you want this done by 5:30p it's going to have to start at 7:30a and I have other stuff to do at that hour.

Makes great sandwiches the next day that make you either want to take a big nap or hit the gym.

Yvette's Chicken Pot Pie

2009-12-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

As the year ends I will be on a recipe posting frenzy. I want to load all of those fattening, and oh so tasty recipes before I have to get back on the diet wagon. January I will be posting mostly Weight Watchers recipes because in Feburary I am going on a cruise!!. Below is from my friend Yvette G.

Chicken Pot Pie

Chicken Pot Pie Prep: 40 min; Bake: 35 min

Make putting this all-time favorite together a snap by purchasing a ready-to-use pie crust.
1 (10-ounce) package frozen peas and carrots
1/3 cup butter or stick margarine
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup chopped onions
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 3/4 cups chicken broth - I use homemade stock or leftover turkey stock from Thanksgiving.
2/3 cup milk
2 1/2 to 3 cups cut-up cooked chicken or turkey - Rotisserie from Costco or Safeway, or leftover turkey from Thanksgiving
Pastry for 9-inch Two-Crust Pie (see recipe) - Pillsbury Pie Crust from refrigerated aisle

1. Rinse frozen peas and carrots in cold water to separate; drain.
2. Melt butter in 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Stir in flour, onion, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat. Stir in broth and milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in chicken and peas and carrots; remove from heat.
3. Heat oven to 425°. 4. Make pastry. Roll two-thirds of the pastry into 13-inch square. Ease into ungreased square pan, 9 ¥ 9 ¥ 2 inches. Pour chicken mixture into pastry-lined pan.
5. Roll remaining pastry into 11-inch square. Cut out designs with 1-inch cookie cutter.Or shape excess dough into a penis like I did recently for some dear friends.
Place square over chicken mixture. Arrange cutouts on pastry. Turn edges of pastry under and flute.
* I use a standard pie plate.
6. Bake about 35 minutes or until golden brown.

NUTRITION FACTS: 1 Serving (about 1 cup):; Calories 685 (Calories from Fat 425); Fat 47g (Saturated 16g); Cholesterol 80mg; Sodium 1,050mg; Carbohydrate 44g (Dietary Fiber 3g); Protein 24g % DAILY VALUE:; Vitamin A 48%; Vitamin C 4%; Calcium 6%; Iron 20% DIET EXCHANGES:; 2 Starch; 2 Medium-Fat Meat; 3 Vegetable; 6 Fat .

This Scene Always Cracks Me Up

2009-12-23T15:26:00.000-08:00